Cold Hard Harsh, Reality.

Cold Hard Harsh Reality. well at least MY reality.

fudge. i was so furious this afternoon. well my classmates knew why. i shouldnt be mentioning names or whatever but i have my right to express this burden.

altruism --- a defense mechanism in which, when feeling strong emotion or stress, the person would obsessively help other people. :|

ako ba yun? am i like that? i like helping people.,i like stress <?> somehow. i love drama. i'm efficient and i dont ask questions. i dont say no for an answer--- to authorities of course.

 

alam ko. this is not a good attitude. you can blame my parents for that. i grew up. not to ask questions. just do what you're told. RESPECT in the highest meaning of the word. i didnt mind getting hurt. getting insulted. getting expected of. crying without anyone knowing [i cry, because i did not want to feel the destructive emotion of anger. but i guess my brother knew. but he never bothered to help me. i never bothered to help him. our parents controlled what needed be.]

 

i'm feeling little droplets of liquid in my eyes right now. [thanks louise :) ] i feel abused somehow. and "something" isnt right. i'm feeling deterioration. dont take it seriously, that's what you said, but i dont know. I CANT NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. para kong tanga to ponder about this. and somehow maybe i'll laugh about this in the future. but this is present pain. this is happening now. this is what i want to forget. this is why i write.

 

hindi lang tong incident na to ang dahilan. marami pa. i guess yun lang ang sindi ng dynamite ng lahat.[9:30pm]

[9:53pm]oh di ba. busy ako. :)) ayun. medyo okay na. [thanks louise ulit and paula D] somehow alam niya kung papano ako dapat i-handle. SIGH.

nawala na ang momentum ng galit at emosyon ko.

 

NAALALA KO BIGLA.

 

the thing that keeps me going.

 

[after being hurt by the people i love the most.]

 

is.... are..

 

MY FRIENDS. :]

 

 

[tears ulit--- 9:56pm]

[10pm] these people make everything feel better. :) [tumawag pa si rona] :D

 

siguro. i may be passive most of the time. busy. doesnt give a damn about anyone or anything as long as i finish what i'm working on. minsan nalilimutan kong mangamusta. or bumati ng birthday. or busy ako.

pero. i can tell you here. that when the time comes that you need me. and tell me what you need. i will be there for you. i know it's hard.that i should be the one approached. i'm selfish. i'm busy. i dont have time for you.

 

but the real friends i have. know that i'm just a girl. waiting to be bailed out of a well i fell in.

 

i treasure them the  most :) if you dont feel the same way. i dont care. masaya ako kapag kasama ko kayo. if you leave me, fine. i can live with the fact that you people were the reason that i kept going on. but can you? 

 

i love you guys. :) thanks so much. nasira ang essence ng angry blog. naging emo. :)) at nostalgic.  

Archimedes Rainforest Trip! 01/24/09

Rainforest, Pasig. :)) games. awww. i wasnt able to playy... or swimm eittheerr.. :[ but it was fun then :))

almost a senior. :)

(sigh.) bigayan ng stipend ngayon. :)) P1200 X) not enough for the hard work and the sleepless nights X)

anyway, that's not the point. today na it was given is like the 8th time i got it. WHOAH. X) third year na pala ako. it was just like yesterday that i was a freshman; feeling ultimately different. i remember the people i used to hang out with. back when i was in my first year, I DID NOT COME HOME AT PAST 7pm(during schooldays)! X)) all those people i left. all those people i miss. X|

second year came, and yeah. their almost the same people i am with right now.

same faces :) new phases :)

on days AND nights, that i thought i wouldnt make it alive, i actually did! i even learned how to do a project a night before the deadline :)) i learned that brown envelopes can actually save your life in keeping all those darn quizzes your teacher asked you to compile. i learned that all the stress, all the hard work, all the sleeplessness, is all worthwhile, when you have friends there beside you. awwww. :))

it's january 09. i remember my first day of high school, june 6 06. [666] other people thought it was the end of the world, but it was a beginning for ours. :D

a few more months i'll be a senior. a fourth of me wants to end it! but all the rest doesnt want me to. life in mandsci has not been like any other feeling i felt. here are a few scenes i like:

• when it's 9 or 10pm, you and your groupmates are walking to get home from a tough project, you feel the cold air of the night brush through your skin, the empty streets bestowing upon you the freedom to rant and talk, the lights of the streetlamps guiding your way through the rough night. :) it's quite a scene.
• last night, your whole classroom was practicing for like a play or dance or whatever, you go to school and see the drooping eyes of all your classmates........ but still when they find you staring at them, they simply smile. :D all boundaries crossed.
• times when you really cant get your precalculus problem and you're at the verge of crying because you cant just solve it, someone comes near you and teaches you. and even though you ask him or her to repeat it for three or four times, you end up getting it and thanking that person. he or she just walks away, not waiting for a praise or reward.
• the open forums; the way you cry; the way others cry... and how it strengthens the bond between class and room. :D
• the corny jokes, like mine, that are even though as corny as heck, will still make you laugh.

sigh. those are just a few. even though it is hard to be like this. always stressed and out of sleep. through all the crushes and crushees. through all the teachers and their loads of homework and tasks. through everything... mandsci in itself makes it worthwhile with friends and its charm. :)

Macbeth performance :]

hahahha. macbeth; wala akong kuha nung mismong play.. awww. :] anyway they all said it was a good play and i do believe so too. congrats sa archies! :D

an ode to someone who captivates me.

sigh. well this is not really an ode. it's just something that gives a click in the title :]] not that i want everyone to read this but well, i just like it that way :D

well i TOTALLY admire this guy. totally ADMIRE. nothing more. X]

the way he sings with his guitar just leaves me totally taken. he loves what he does and he enjoys it a lot. the emotion he shares is just magical. how he interacts people, how he talks and walks. his charm. his joy. well i know i'm not making any sense... but i dont have to. :]] sense is just the interpretation of the human mind of words and letters. as long as it makes sense to mine. :]]

his carefree attitude. his smile. his lyrics. his abs [oops!] his voice. his "i'll go wherever the wind takes me" attitude. we could just run away and he could sing to me forever into eternity. :]] siiiggghhhh. though finding a guy like this is totally impossible. unless you're somewhere out there... XD

 

ROCK! :]] an entry about yesterday.

:]] God is soo good.

^^ i really like how yesterday ended. :]] really cool. it ROCKS! XD and you're wondering right now, what's with that word. well that was our team word. we kept on repeating over and over. XD

first it was like this. We were sooo late compared to our set departure time from school cause ms. frias was still at the division office singing. and we were like...

"We're late. we're disqualified." and somethings like that. well i most of the negative thinking came from me. X] as kuya amiel said about me: "You were born a pessmist..." XD

well my pessimism and my thoughts dont usually happen and they didnt. mam frias arrived just in the nick of time. and we arrived there before anything could start! God is Great!

the elimination and semifinals just proceeded... even though it was carried out it an orderly fashion it managed to kill 3 hours. spelling takes soo long to finish.well anyway. we were crossing our fingers and praying all the way and we managed to get into the finals with Lourdes. God's grace again.

****okay. why do i keep on saying things about God's grace. well i've learned that if you offer things to God and let him manage everything, he'll do the best for you. before in contests i used to pray: "Lord, please let us win..." and stuff like that but for the past contest and the Science Olympiad... i prayed.."this is for the exaltation of your name..." and boom! :] he rewards those loyal to him. words are incomparable to how i feel about this.

okay. the finals were really tense. sobrang close fight. nagtie kami for like 2 times. they got ahead two times too. :] my three words were: provocateur, pseudonym and connoisseur. i spelled provocateur wrong. :\ but it's fine! kuya amiel managed to spell all of his right. and our winning word was... Euthanasia. --yeah. mercy killing. XD

well we came home with high spirits, some stuff and a trophy. but what i valued the most is the friendship we created between ourselves. how i made kuya amiel and regeanne laugh soo hard. and how andrew made me laugh so hard. :]] we even used one pen for all the written rounds. ;] quite cool. :D

we returned to school to get our stuff. it was dark as heck. :0 and scary too. i went home. and the day ended with me scared... 0_0 hotel626 is some game. :]] hahaha.

lalalalalife. you win some. you lose some. :]

less than three [?]

hahahaha. nobody would probably read this cause the title doesnt seem interesting or something like that. no hating. no depression. just plain -- crush ko? XD

MAY CRUSH NGA BA AKO?

well that is not clear to me. well i like THIS guy. but [sigh] i dont know if i DO like him or not. AND thinking about this, i may probably like him but... [sigh].

he's cute. i like his personality and things about him. well the thing is he might not like me back. i know yeah. RECIPROCAL FEELINGS and stuff. but i've been uh how you say, waiting for the wrong guy? i think i like this dude. well what the heck. if he doesnt like me back. it's fine. basta all i know TODAY is that i like him. :]

next to GOD. ikaw ang insipiration ko! XD

8-8-08 boyle reunion

hahaha. reunion ng mga boylers last friday.

it was soooo awesome. we weren't complete and there wasnt much action but hey it was sooo nice.

prince's house. we ate. we sang. we danced. we laughed.

ronald was more of the host of the event. he was singing so much hahahahhaha. angelica sang "Dancing queen". XD so nice. heehehhehehehe. tawa kami ng tawa. reminiscing on the memories ng boyle! walang expectation, walang malinis., walang kahit ano! basta masaya kami! :]

pagkatapos kumain at magkantahan at magsabhan ng mga naalala sa boyle, sumunod un sabihan ng crush sa classroom noon. kevin or ivan? cnung nanalo :)) after that nagsiuwian na cila.

 

***realizations - the school year might've ended but our bonds remain the same. others may have left but they will always be here in us. there might be people who have changed ever since we have parted but that's the way life is. they may change for the better or the worse, nonetheless, we'll always remember the way they were before. sooner or later we'll get into college, but we'll never forget each other. the past is the past but we have made more memories and we'll be making some more.

ANG PINAKA---- BOYLE IS THE BEST SECTION I HAVE EVER BEEN INTO. love ya all. XD

today i was myself again. less than three.

today was AWESOME. and as jack black said..."there is no price to pay for awesomeness..." XD. Less Than Three or Simpsonism's Day out. Well we weren't really out cause we were at my house, but it was something like that.

As usual, i was running late cause it was hard to find a green top, it was discussed i would wear green, but i ended up wearing blue. XD suprisingly, i was first to arrive at 7-11. haha. it was a few minutes past 1oclock and i waited for angelica and charmaine.

As they arrived, we proceeded with the schedule. The much-awaited SLURPEE DRINKING CONTEST. man, that was one big cup. it was soo big that we decided to walk while drinking it. We couldnt finish it so we decided that the winner would be the one with the least amount in her cup. haha. of course, since i tried my best not to drink the whole morning, i won XD.

next, the movies. KUNG FU PANDA and WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS on DVD. hahaha. it was soooo fun. [ang kati ng itsura ni charmaine kapag nanunuod. XD]

we went out afterwards. brought out my guitar and sang "Remembering Sunday" by All time low. :D it's immaculate. i'll post our vid in our myspace.

The rain started to pour then so their time of departure from our house was delayed. it was fun singing in the rain. and as the rain grew stronger, i was tempted to run in it. haha. and so i did.

and do you know? i felt like myself again. i felt free from the earthly burdens i carry each day of my fudged up life. i was everything i wanted to be. i was just me. running in the rain. [mukha lang akong tanga kc may hawak akong umbrella... tpos umuulan] but it was nice.. i didnt have to please anybody. it was an escape. at those moments... i realized that i didnt want to study, or to be leader-ish, or to be in love, or to please anybody and most especially fake my smile everyday.

LIFE IS WONDERFUL - like jason mraz said. life IS wonderful.

why waste your time trying to achieve things that hardly matter? things that wouldnt make you happy? i can feel the self-pity now as i'm typing this down. I wasnt really happy. I wasnt me.

this is getting pretty long and whoever is reading this must be really patient. so here it is.

PLEASE. help me be myself again. EXPECTING me to get high grades, to be responsible, to be nice, isnt going to help. i want to be the way i was before. [but nicer perhaps XD]

So CHARMAINE & ANGELICA. i owe you big time. <3