Leo (my version of 'Aquarius' by Spektor)

Leo

By Abba Marie Moreno

(A version of ‘Aquarius’ by Regina Spektor)

 

Dear someone listening in the shadows,

I only talk to you sometimes

And though I ask for help in riddles

It is clearer in my mind,

Clearer in my mind.

 

Born of a sign that roars in fire,

But in a month that’s always silent.

I know I don’t question things too quickly,

But I’ve always questioned if I’ve loved,

Loved.

 

Dear someone watching from the shadows,

I’m hunting down my dreams.

I’ve held my chin up high and proud,

But there is something that’s amiss,

Something that’s amiss.

 

Born of a sign that roars in fire,

But in a month that whispers silence.

And though I don’t question things too quickly,

I’ve always wondered if I’ve loved,

Wondered if I’ve loved.

 

Dear someone watching in the shadows,

You’ve seen me roar alone once more,

I’m not the gentlest of all creatures,

Because there’s something I’m fighting for,

Someone I’m fighting for.

 

Born of a sign that roars of pride,

But in a month that whispers silence.

I’m not the gentlest of all creatures,

But I’ll be tamed by only love.

I’m not the gentlest of all creatures,

But I’ll be tamed by only love,

Tamed by only love,

Love. 

Hindi ka maliligtas ni Kapitan Sino. (blog entry)

Tatlong araw pa lang ang nakalilipas bago nagsimula ang second semester. At alam niyo, more than ever in my life, ngayon ko lang ulit naramdaman na kilala ko kung sino ako. (at nakarealize din ako ng mga bagay-bagay :)) )

It's easy to lose yourself in a crowd you keep trying to fit in to. 

Ewan ko, kung sadyang hipster lang talaga at nonconformist ako, pero napansin ko talaga (not limited to myself) na madali palang mawala. The more you try to instantly change for what you think is 'better', it will probably bite you back. Actually, I don't think that the word 'change' should be the one used to refer to one's personality, i think 'growth' is better. Know who you are, even the bad things about you--because you can never change right away. You can grow slowly but never force yourself into being someone you really aren't.

Recently, I noticed that I've been trying to fit in to groups of people (that I perhaps envy or feel like I want to be). Siguro yung mga tipong "I want to feel loved" group or like "I want to be taken care of" group. I am a strong person--I know that. I like taking care of people, I like making people feel loved. Sometimes, it gets tiring. And sometimes, I just want to take a break (yung parang ako naman ang pasayahin niyo =)) ). And I guess, the feelings like these just built up recently (mga 12+ years na rin).

Well tao din naman ako, napapagod. 

Pero, lalo akong nawala eh. The more I tried to look for affection and attention by acting and eventually becoming 'weak', the more I lost myself and what I was looking for. Hindi bagay sa akin ang nag-eemo oras-oras. Hindi bagay sa akin yung iyak nang iyak. (Cool kasi ako =)) ) Ako dapat yung madadapa nang onti, iiyak nang onti sa mga mahal kong kaibigan, hihinga nang malalim tapos dapat okay na (grabe nagka 3 month depression ata ako). Fight lang. Yun ako. 

Pagpasok ko nang college, sabi ko sa sarili ko, maglay-low na lang. Ayokong ma-notice ng mga tao. Ayokong magtake ng responsibility. Pero nang tumagal, hindi ko rin naiwasan yung mga bagay na gusto ko gawin (ang excuse ko lang naman ay kasi nakakapagod na). Edi nagtake na ko ng responsibility pero hindi pa rin nawala yung mentality na "pagod na ako. I want something in return" na feeling. I looked for attention/affection, I guess. Tipong dapat may kapalit tong ginagawa ko. Maybe to find someone I can confide to and just be 'weak' to that person. And just my luck, it was a wrong person. (Isa sa mga rule ko sa buhay ay hindi magtiwala nang lubusan kaagad) I wanted to become weak, just so i could feel what it was like to be comforted or to have someone 'strong' carry me. And lo, when those people hurt my trust, i just really lost myself. Acting weak, eventually came to 'I became weak.' 

Gusto ko lang kumapit somewhere. Because I lost myself while trying to 'get' things that were not meant for me. Naging greedy siguro ako.

Nabasa ko yung sinulat ko sa isa sa mga notebook ko. Ang sabi ko:

"Sanay ako nang mag-isa. Mas gusto ko na mag-isa akong nagtatrabaho. Hindi madalas ang pagtitiwala ko sa tao at sa pag-asa ko sa mga tao."

--> Yan yung ako na ginusto kong itapon. Kasi yang mga traits na yan ang nagpapahirap sa akin. Pero alam niyo, nung nawala yan, mas nawala ako. =)) 

Nakasulat dun sa notebook na yun na: "Ako yung tipo ng tao na ibibigay ko ang lahat na makakaya ko sa mga taong mahal ko na kahit walang kapalit." (siguro kahit hindi pantay yung kapalit =)) ) Love is manifested in many ways. I tried to grasp a manifestation (or manifestations) that looked inviting but wasn't meant for me. Yung love na para sa akin (well so far) ay yung kahit malayo sila, or kahit hindi ko sila kasama, mahal pa rin ako. :)) The love that transcends space and time. It's not always physically and obviously there, but yung tipo na alam sa puso at kaluluwa na minamahal ka.=)) Yun yung sa akin. Masarap ang feeling. (at mas masarap yung feeling na hindi ka na naghahangad nang iba pa.)

Kahit papaano, ang layo na rin pala.

Gumising ako ngayong umaga. Medyo kakaiba yung pakiramdam. Yung tipong isa sa mga umaga na alam kong may maiisip akong ikatutuwa ko kapag nagtagal pa akong magmuni-muni sa kama. Masarap ang gising ko. (kahit ala-una ako natulog at nakarinig ako ng alitan ng aking mga magulang kanina)

Nag-isip ako. Nagdasal ako. 

Salamat sa umaga na ito. Nagising ulit ako. Gabayan Niyo po sana ako sa araw na ito at ang lahat ng mga kaibigan ko. Sana walang masamang mangyari sa kanila at isinasainyo ko na po ang kapalaran namin. God bless us all. 

Nakahiga't nag-iisip. Napalingon ako sa lahat ng pinagdaanan ko (nanaginip na naman ako tungkol sa mga tao sa aking kahapon).

Napaisip ako: Ang layo na pala nang narating ko. 

Hindi naman sa nagyayabang ako. Kumpara sa ibang tao, tiyak na mas malayo ang narating nila. Pero para sa akin at sa mga sitwasyon ko, kahit papaano, malayo-layo na 'tong narating ko sa buhay. 

Iskolar na nga pala ako ngayon sa Ateneo (isa sa mga pinakatanyag na unibersidad sa bansa). Kahit papaano, maganda pa rin naman ang mga marka ko. Naging valedictorian pala ako nung High school (sa CMSHS, na sinasabing maraming matatalinong bata ng Mandaluyong ang nag-aaral doon). May isang kahon din ako ng mga medalya at certificate mula noong High school. Sumali nga pala ako ng mga kumpetisyon noon. Science, English, ang karamihan, (di ako mahilig sa math).

Kahit papaano, maipagmamalaki ko na ang mga 'yan. Bunga 'yan ng sariling sikap ko at bukal-sa-loob na pagtulong ng mga tao sa paligid ko. 

Alam niyo ba, na ni isang beses, hindi pumunta ang mga magulang ko sa mga kumpetisyong sinalihan ko? (kung nananalo man, laging guro ang nagsasabit ng medalya) Hindi na rin nila ako pinakialaman sa pag-aaral ko pagdating ng ikaapat na baitang ng elementarya. Tagatingin na lang sila ng mga marka (at pati ang report card ko, ako na rin ang kumuha). Sa totoo lang, noong elementarya, hindi sumagi sa isipan ko na "matalino" pala ako. Hindi ko pinangarap na maging valedictorian o maging iskolar. Hindi masyadong maganda ang suporta ng mga magulang ko (kung sa pag-aaral). 

Dumating din ang punto noong nasa ikalimang baitang ako na "nakalimutan" akong sunduin. Private school kasi, bawal lumabas nang basta-basta ang mga bata. Naghintay ako hanggang alas-siete ng gabi sa may gate ng paaralan namin, kasama ang security guard, umiiyak, nagdadasal na sunduin na ako. Umalis na kasi yung ibang mga bata, ako na lang ata hindi nasusundo. Masakit. Dumating ang tatay ko, nagsorry siya, sabi niya dumaan muna raw siya sa bahay tapos naalala niya na hindi niya pa ko nasusundo. (Hanep, di ba?) Pagkatapos ng insidente na iyon, natuto akong magcommute mag-isa. Ayoko ang pakiramdam na naghihintay na lang ako ng tulong at wala na kong kayang gawin. Inasikaso ko yung commuter's pass ko, para palabasin ako ng guard. Pagdating ng grade 6, tuwing may meeting ako sa Student Council na ginagabi, ako na mag-isa ang umuuwi. Para sa isang bata sa isang private school para sa mga babae, malaking bagay na marunong kang magcommute mag-isa (namangha ang mga kaklase ko noong nalaman nila, mayayaman kasi karaniwan ang mga estudyante doon). Hindi naman umalma ang mga magulang ko, alam siguro nila na kaya ko ang sarili ko. 

(pero hanggang ngayon, si Abby na grade six na, hindi pa rin nila pinapayagan. ano kayang ibig sabihin nun?)

Bumalik tayo, hindi masyadong maganda ang suporta ng magulang ko sa paaralan, basta pumasa, ayos lang. Walang pressure, naiintindihan ko, pero kahit paano sana nakita nila na kaya ko (kung hindi siguro ako pumasok sa MandSci, na academic-oriented, hindi ko siguro mararating to). Pagtungtong ng high school, dalawang libro lang ang binili nila para sa akin (nakakainggit sa mga kaklase ko, na kahit second-hand na libro sa biology, zoology, chemistry at physics talagang ibinibigay ng mga magulang nila, kumikirot sa puso pero ayos lang, nag-aral na lang ako sa internet, at sa mga hiram na libro galing sa mga guro ko. Naging Best in Biology, Botany, Chemistry, Earth Science, English naman ako.). Kahit hanggang ngayon naman, ako pa rin bumibili ng mga libro ko sa kolehiyo (maraming magagandang loob na nagbibigay ng scholarship). Halos wala na silang binabayaran para sa pag-aaral ko. 

Hindi ko rin naman siguro masisisi ang magulang ko. Mula naman sa umpisa, hindi masyadong academic-oriented ang mga Moreno at Suarez. Madalang lang na may makatapos ng kolehiyo. Hindi naman kami galing sa mayayaman na pamilya. Kaya naman, kahit makatungtong o matapos mo ang kolehiyo, malaking bagay na. Kaya siguro hindi masyadong napapansin ang pagsuporta sa pag-aaral kasi sa pagpapaaral pa lang mismo, nahihirapan na kami. Pinaghirapan ng mga magulang ko na pag-aralin kami sa mga pribadong paaralan. Mahal ang tuition fee sa St. Paul Pasig at sa Lourdes School of Mandaluyong (sabay kami ng kuya ko). Noong nag-aral na rin si Abby, naisip ko na hindi kakayanin na mag-aral kaming tatlo sa mga pribadong paaralan. Nagpublic-science high school ako. At least doon, walang bayad. (Nanibago ako, sobrang dumi, luma ng gamit, kulang ng staff. Doon ako natuto magfloorwax, magwalis, maglinis ng electric fan. Nakaka-down-to-earth ang experience. Doon ko nalaman na ang telepono, niloloadan, na may mga pamilya talagang nagbubugbugan, na may nakatira talaga sa ganoong bahay. Mas naging tao ako sa MandSci.)

Kung iisipin, malayo na rin ang narating ng nanay ko. Sa siyam na magkakapatid, siya lang ang nakatapos ng kolehiyo. Sabi ng lolo ko sa kanya, hindi na siya kayang pag-aralin. Hindi nawalan ng pag-asa ang nanay ko. Nagworking-student siya sa Maynila (kahit taga-Pampanga talaga sila). Nagtrabaho siya sa National Bookstore kapag may araw pa, babalik siya para mag-aral sa PUP nang gabi. Iginapang niya yung diploma niya. Hindi gaanong mataas ang mga marka niya noon (mahirap mag-aral nang pagod) pero at least, nakapagtapos siya. At nasaan na nga ba siya ngayon? Isang mataas na officer sa HSBC (isang international na bangko) at ka-level niya na ang mga Trust Officer sa bansa (nakapasa siya sa interview ng Standard Charters). 

Hindi nakapagtapos ng kolehiyo ang tatay ko. Sa katunayan, hindi ko talaga alam kung anong nangyari sa kanya kasi alam ng karamihan na matalino siya. Shift ata nang shift ang tatay ko. Alam kong Business Administration siya, na naging Accounting, na naging ECE. Dapat ata ggraduate na siya, kaso pinabugbog ata ng barkada niya yung isang ROTC officer na pinahirapan sila. (O diba? May pinagmanahan 'tong kaangasan ko) Ayun, hindi niya hinintay. Nagtrabaho na lang siya kaagad. 

Hmmm. So ayun. 

Siguro para sa isang batang hindi masyadong nasubaybayan sa paaralan, na nanggaling sa pamilyang hirap sa pagpapaaral, malayo na nga ang narating ko. 

Napapaisip ako: paano kung hindi ako nakapag-entrance-test ng MandSci? Paano kung sinubaybayan nga nang mabuti yung pag-aaral ko? Paano kung nagloko na lang ako? Paano kung nagdrugs/nanigarilyo/nag-inom/nanglalaki na lang ako (kapag nasa isang pampublikong paaralan ka, hindi malayong mangyari sa iyo ang ilan dyan)? 

It's wonderful to think how our lives are held together by such intricate details--the small choices we make, the people around us, the waking-ups and all the other elements of our day-to-day lives. There are so many ifs and maybes to be thought about. 

Aaminin ko sa inyo, hindi naging madali para marating ko 'to. Apat ang nunal ko sa balikat (tag dalawa sa bawat balikat), sabi nila, ibigsabihin daw noon, lahat daw ng pasanin sa mundo bubuhatin ko. Marami akong pinagdaanan, mga pre. Pero para sa mga umaga na ganito, ang sarap isipin na buhay ako ngayon at napagdaanan ko sila. 

Ang galing ni Lord! (Wooooooooooooooooooo! Idol! Maraming salamat! Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko kung wala po Kayo. Sa mga oras na pagod na ako at gusto ko na talagang mamatay, sa Inyo lang po ako kumuha ng lakas para gumising ulit. Salamat na hindi ako naging addict sa kanto o kaya tambay o kaya salamat na nakatungtong ako sa kolehiyo.)

Hindi sa malayo na ang narating ko, pero malayo na kung saan Niyo po ako dinala. Salamat. Sana po dalhin Niyo lang ako, tingnan po natin kung hanggang saan ko po kayang sumunod sa Inyo. Ayoko pong bumitaw. 

Maraming salamat. Ang sarap ng gising ko sa umaga na ito. :)

At Mornings Like These.

It’s a new morning, yes. I love mornings. I love the smell of breakfasts. I love how sunlight slowly creeps through the trees and branches near our house. It’s a constant feeling of renewal—that I could do something good today, live far from yesterday and to look forward to tomorrow.

Yes, I do love mornings.

But I do hate waking up alone in an empty house.

(It breaks my heart to know that no one even bothers to tell me that they’re leaving. They just leave; lock the front door and let me find out for myself. But they do leave breakfast out for me, that’s nice.)

It’s just when I’m home alone like this, I can’t help but to think that no one’s gonna come back. How miserable it would be, to stay in a house and wait for someone to go home to you, but never will.

*Sigh, family issues.

The silence is deafening. I plan to watch anime after writing this, just to drown it out. I’m scared. 

What I'm Waiting/Looking For

People often have ideas on what kind of Love they’re waiting/looking for. Other people say that they want someone who would stand by them through thick and thin, someone who would be their partner in life, facing challenges together. Some people say someone they could watch the stars with. Others still, would say someone who can see right through them. I could go on forever about what people say about Love, but, hey, what’s Hollywood for then? :))

We all have our different ideas on love, different expectations, different people we’re waiting or looking for.

 As for me, what am I looking for?

I’m not the type to want being tied down to something. Okay, maybe I have commitment issues. (I can see myself in a relationship, yes, but just not now.) Right now, the idea on the matter is: I want someone who would allow me to have my own adventures. I want to see the world through my eyes and taste it as it is. And, that person, I will allow him to do the same. I don’t want to be with him all the hours of the day.

 We’ll have our own adventures.

But, every night, when it is time for rest, I want to go home to a person. And I want that person to go home to me too. I want us to talk to each other and tell each other stories of what happened during the day. I can see myself going: Amazing! or like: Too bad. And he can say the same to my stories. I’ll laugh over dinner and a joke he thought of earlier today. I’d cry and he’d hug me tight (I can do the same). He’d get upset at me but can’t stay mad too long. A home.

And before going to bed, he’d hold my hand, just to let me know that he’d be there in the morning (I hate waking up to an empty house). And when I do wake up (I presume I’d wake up earlier than him), I’ll stroke his hair and admire his face, the man I love. I’ll get up, get ready for another day, with new adventures and new challenges, knowing that I can come home to this person.

And no matter how badly the world treats me, whatever the insignificant people think of me, I wouldn’t care, because I know I have a home I can go home to. 

Sixth on Seventh Street by Abba Marie Moreno (Poem, to be edited)

Sixth on Seventh Street

By Abba Marie Moreno

 

The café is always open

for patient souls like mine.

I sit on this reserved

table for two, alone

with the full moon

watching over

the untouched cup

of hazelnut coffee you like so much.

It’s getting cold.

(You never show up.)

 

The clock strikes ten,

it is time

for me to wait

under the sixth lamppost

of Seventh street in

Whitechapel.

We met there last night, didn’t we?

Perhaps, you remembered,

I remember, I remember so well

that I can almost—

   hear your humming hair

     sing with the nocturne breeze,

       taste your sweet sweet voice

         screaming of raw pleasure

           from the thrilling games we play.

          (Remember, we played Surgeon,

And I put my hand in your—

 

(The click-clacks

of your high heels

are beckoning me.)

Here you come.

 

 

Why can I smell such fear

from your bright blue eyes?
Can’t you remember, Victoria,

all the good times we had?

Our nights? Our kisses? Our love?

You aren’t Victoria?

(And you say your name is Mary)

Deny yourself not—to me.

Remember, the divine being you are.

Or remember me, at least.

 

 

Perhaps, if I kiss you,

you might remember,

just like in fairytales,

and finally fear will vanish

from your soft eyes

and your trembling lips.

 

Just let me get a little closer.

 

Don’t scream, woman!

Mellifluous voices such as yours

should not make awful shrieking sounds.

Stay calm. The world is empty,

‘cept for you and me—

 

 

 

—and this knife.

Don’t worry, I can protect you.

There is no reason to escape.

Stop resisting!

Perhaps a little pain

will catch your   /attention;

like we do, as always.

You know, I never enjoy

hurting you like this, Victoria,

it’s just that

            you never learn.

What? You’re crying?

I’ve always told you that

I hate seeing you sad.

Stop it, Victoria, it’s killing me.

Smile, Victoria.

It’s torture, Victoria.

Stop crying, please.

Please, it’s hurting me.

Please,

don’t make me do this.

Stop your wailing, bitch!

 

---

(from left to right)

 

 

My light, my love,

What have I done?

Your beautiful smooth neck,

I’ve ruined it (No, the knife did!).

This flowing stream of warm rubies

dripping from your open throat

will always haunt me.

It was your fault, Victoria.

You made me do it.

Now, the fool moon has

witnessed this tragedy,

And this Romeo has lost

his beloved Juliet.

Perhaps I should follow you

into the valley of death;

then forever, we shall be together.

Your hair, your skin, I shall miss them.

Your face, your legs, your neck,

Your lips, your blood, your eyes—

 

Your eyes…

 

are blue.

Victoria’s eyes are as green as emeralds.

Ha! How could I have mistaken this wretch,

for my beloved, Victoria?

Sorry, Lady, honest mistake.

(I am quite unlucky,

this is the third time

this month.)

 

 

No matter, Victoria,

I can always wait for you.

The café is always open

for patient souls like mine.

 

 

Gratitude

September 10, 2011

 

*Inhale. Exhale.* Here it goes.

 

Normally, when something goes wrong for a friend, or for myself, I would be the one who’d go:

“Life’s a bitch. Deal with it.”

“Ganyan ang buhay eh, nanggagago.“

“Sino bang nagsabi madali ang buhay?“

 

Dyan, dyan ako magaling—ang galing ko sisihin ang mundo sa lahat ng kasamaan na nakikita ko.

Oo, masama ang mundo.

It will hurt you.

And screw with your head so much,

that sometimes you wish you weren’t born.

 

but… the world isn’t all that bad.

The world is filled with people that will and can love you.

Life can be beautiful.

When you wake up in the morning and see the sun shining, isn’t it only right that you should say: “It’s good to be alive, at least.”

 

I guess, what I’m trying to say is that: I’ve been looking at it all the wrong way. I mean, sure, Life can be a bitch, but isn’t it so much more?

(I mean, well, I can be a bitch, but I’m so much more than that, right? Maybe it applies =)) )

 

Buong buhay ko, hindi ako nakaramdam ng ganitong sense of gratitude. I guess, it’s time to look at life in a different way. Kasi dati, kapag may masamang nangyari, tinitiis ko na lang. Dapat kasi, hanapin ang mabuti sa masama—that’s the way to go. That way, it’s not torture nor martyrdom: it’s an unending well of gratitude and contentment. Life should be something like that.

 

I want to be able to say:

YES, I AM THANKFUL FOR ALL THE GOOD THINGS AND THE BAD THINGS LIFE THROWS MY WAY.

YES, THAT IS MY PAIN AND I AM THANKFUL. YES, THAT IS MY BLISS AND I AM THANKFUL.

YES, I AM AT RAGE, AND I AM THANKFUL. YES, I AM IN LOVE, AND I AM THANKFUL.

YES, THIS IS ME, AND I AM THANKFUL.

 

Coming from my recent realizations, I want to see the beauty of the world—and, perhaps, only I have the power to do that. I want to learn to love myself, and to fall in love also. I want to change from my ways and become a better person—to wake up to new mornings and new beginnings.

 

This is a start of a new life. 

Falcon: I Hate the Rain

Pitter-patter-pitter-patter:

the sound of raindrops 

colliding--

with street cement;

only much louder.

PITTER-PATTER-PITTER-PATTER:

the sound of showers

strong--

from a sinister storm;

only much faster.

PITTER-PATTER-PITTER-PATTER-PITTER-PATTER-PITTER-PATTER:

the sound of weary hearts

beating--

waiting for news,

of someone safely home. 

The Trouble with Realism

Hay. Siyempre, magbblog ulit ako. Too many thoughts, Need to get them out. I just want to write.

Tama nga. I think some Romantic side of me sort of died and was replaced by a healthy helping of hurtful Realism. You know, i feel sort of dead in a way. It's just not because of one incident, it's sort of that and some following incidents have completely changed me. So many negative thoughts are coming to mind. Don't worry though, I know they're not healthy thoughts, I won't feed on these. These are what come to mind:

1. There are people who I absolutely despise and no matter how much I despise them, they're still gonna be their despicable selves. I despise them even though we're bound by blood.
--Hay. Nakakainis. Yun lang, nakakainis. May mga type talaga ng tao na walang sense of direction. Yung walang magawa sa sarili nila at walang magawa kung hinid umasa sa mga taong obligadong mahalin sila. Naiiinis ako at naaawa. Hindi ba nila nakikitang kinamumuhian na sila? Hindi ba nila nakikitang nakakaawa na sila? WTF. Nasaan ba ang priorities niyo? Ang honor? Ang pride. Nag-iinit ang dugo ko. I can't believe I'm related to them. I've been struggling with this for a long time. I guess it's just now that I wrote about it. You might think, baka plastic ako--hindi ah, i outwardly show that i have no interest in what they're saying, I even step out of the room. I just don't see why they can't fix themselves up, we're family, we're here for them. But all they're trying to do is think that they're alone and thus, they become more of what they think they are.

2. The people I care about will hurt me the most.
--Well, sinabi ko na ito sa last blog. Paulit-ulit ko kasing naiisip eh. Mapa-pamilya o mapa-kaibigan. Concern and love for people is directly proportional to the hurt that you can feel because of them. Humans have always been expecting beings. Gotta agree, there is never true unconditional love in humans. Ah basta, you get it. As of now, ayokong magtrust ng tao. Ayoko na talaga. Kung puwede nga lang, pupunta na lang ako sa isang bundok, maninirahan doon, mag-aalaga ng mga hayop at halaman at mamatay mag-isa. Seryoso ako. =)) It's a very cowardly thought though--to exclude one's self from the world because of the fear of pain. Hmm. I should reevaluate things.

3. There's more to life than living and hating it.
--I know, i know. I've been hating it and shit. I'm really aggressive lately and I can easily get pissed nowadays. And a big chunk of romanticism in me died but i know there is some left. And I know in my heart that there is more to life than this. There is more to life than hatred, than wanting to be alone, than wanting not to get hurt. I think I know the answer/s. I'll remember it in time.


The Trouble with Realism
What is the trouble with Realism for me? (This is not the trouble of Realism in general, this is my personal opinion, why I cannot be a realist.)

The trouble with realism, to me, is that it does not leave room for imagination. It does not leave room for spirit. It does not have room for the big heart I already have.

Realists would call me weak right now and that emotion would only hurt me. I'm a romanticist at heart. I have a free spirit and I have a big heart. And that is real. So fuck off =)))

I guess what I'm saying is that I can't be a realist. No matter how much the world slaps me and bites me back, I will always know that the world is good, that there is hope for the good, no matter how small the fraction it will be. I'm a romanticist, I can't help it.

Romanticism to Realism.

Sigh. Wala naman sigurong magbabasa nito. :)) Hmm. matagal-tagal na rin since nagblog ako out of pure emotion. (di ko nga nagawa freshman year blog thingy)

Amazing, how much I haven't changed yet I learn so much (I guess yung change). Siyempre, hanggang ngayon, problema pamily + lovelife. Hasn't really changed, i guess my fault. Di ako nagbabago eh. Pero in fairness ah, tintry ko naman magbago, ayaw lang talaga. Masakit. Oh well, that's life. :))

May mga bagay akong natutunan ngayon ngayon lang! (Mga bagay na hindi ko talaga naisip dati at naisip ko pero di ko inakalang totoo).

1. Numero uno: There will be people out to test your patience and even if they go too far, you just have to extend your patience.  

-Hmm. Siyempre matagal ko nang alam na may mga taong nabuhay para mang-irita (lolOA =)) ) Mahaba rin ang pasensya ko at bihira akong mapuno. Kaya kapag napupuno ako, go lang. i'll be frank and address the issue. Ngayon ko lang naexperience na ganito, na magtimpi, kahit lagpas-lagpas na. May mga taong hindi kayang ma-take ang sasabihin ko sa kanila (matagal ko nang alam yan) pero this time, i actually care about their feelings. Siguro ang consequence ng first realization is that: inevitably, people you care about will hurt you at times, but you should remember to check their intentions (if you know they care and it was unintentional, you know what to do).

2. You can't expect people to act the way you want them to. (small scale actions)

--So far naman kasi, I get what I want. When i want people to apologize, they do. If i want to piss them off, i piss them off. Idk, manipulative person nga pala ako. Hahha. Ngayon kaya? Err ewan, basta itong no. 2. dapat mas specific, dapat ito ata: You can't expect the people you care about to act the way you want them to. Kahit may pakialam ka sa kanila, di ka pa rin sila. Disappointing, siyempre, lalo na sa akin, matagal-tagal bago ako magtrust ng tao. Bago ako magcare nang bongga sa kanila. Siyempre, marami akong drama sa mundo (sa bahay, sa lahat), masakit talaga sa akin. Matagal ko nang iniisip na magpaka-antisocial. Okay, joke lang, hindi naman. =)) Matagal ko nang naiisip na ayoko nang magtrust ng tao, pero hindi anti-social ah. I open up my heart to a few. It's just a bit disappointing that those I don't open up my heart to are the ones who care more (or care effectively). Sigh. Naguiguilty lang ako, andaming nagccare sa akin but I remain closed to them. :/ Idk, they don't know me that much but they care, is this a sign of genuine concern or is it naive concern? 

3. Ang galing ni Jason Mraz. (siyempre matagal ko nang alam yan, gusto ko lang sabihin ulit.)

--Astig pare. He snapped me out of all the drama. Shet. From HS to college, ikaw pa rin. <:

4. It will get harder and harder for you to trust. 

--Naisip ko na ba to dati? Hindi ata eh. Naisip ko lang dati: It's hard for me to trust. Akala ko stagnant lang yun. Mag-iincrease pala ang intensity. Sorry na, ngayon ko lang naisip eh. I will get hurt, no matter what. Kahit gaanong pagprevent ang gawin ko. Mangyayari yun. Bv lang kasi ayokong nasasaktan. Masyado na akong maraming self-inflicted emotional damage at past drama, ayoko na may mga dumagdag. Ang defense mechanism ko siguro ay yung hindi pagtrust sa more people. I have a selected few right now. But then who's to say they won't hurt me either? Hmm. I wouldn't know. Pero kahit papaano, masarap mag-open up. Masarap magkuwento. Masarap ng nasshare ang happiness at may nakikihati sa pain. Which one should I go for? 

5. No matter how good you think you are or you can be the world isn't interested in you.

--honestly, di ko naisip na masisikmura ko na to. Akala ko if you just believe and shit, things will come. Pero it doesn't look like it anymore. You have to keep up with the world if you want it to notice you. You have to change if you want to please. 

6. (siyempre dahil sa number five, naisip ko na...) Why should you care about the world? 

--if the change is drastic and is for the worse, it's not worth it. If it causes you pain, it's not worth it. And well, the world is temporary. What's important is what's on the other side. I just have to bank on that. I guess this means that i'm gonna cut down on the things i care about here. Hahahaha. Too bad.

Romanticism < Realism

The world is fucked up. It's fucking you and screwing with your head. 

^Okay, masyado namang bitter to for me. =)) Well, it's partly true. Siguro dahil mainit lang ang dugo ko kaya nasasabi ko yan. I still have that bad temper. I hate getting angry. Wag kasing ubusin ang pasensya ko eh. Although yeah, feeling ngayon ko lang natitikman ang realism. I was always a romantic, you see. Ganito pala. Nakakainis. Nakakabv. Andami kong depressions before, yes. Pero, ako naman ang may problema nun eh, ayoko rin sa kanila at OA ako, dito, hindi ako OA, i actually think na matinu-tino ang kinikilos ko sa mga taong ito at binigay ko lahat ng kaya ko. ganito pala. 

Although, may mga tao pa rin naman na napagkakatiwalaan ko. mga taong nakakakilala sa akin, lalo na ang lahat ng masama sa akin na hindi nakikita ng lahat. Tanggap nila na iyakin ako. Tanggap nila na masama ako magalit. Tanggap nila na iniisip ko (dati?) na kaya kong pabagsakin ang sinumang humarang sa akin. Tanggap nilang kailangan ko sila para baguhin ako. The realist world is testing me to untrust these people. The romantic world is testing me to keep on trusting them and look forward to new ones who are willing. 

Saan ba ako masaya? 

Sino ba ang mga taong nagpapasaya sa akin? 

Napapasaya ko ba sila?

Bakit nila ako sinasaktan?
Bakit ko sila sinasaktan?
Bakit ganito ang mga iniisip ko? 

I am an intellectual, I refuse to succumb to my emotions (regardless of how much power they have on me). Everything will be better in the morning. Mag-isa man or may kasama, i'll be fine. I know God is with me. Perhaps nagsusulat lang ako ng ganito para mawala na to. Log din. :)) Things happen for a reason. 

whether or not i'm a romantic or a realist now. The hell with that. =)) 

Kung may nagtiyaga mang magbasa nito. Thanks. It means a lot to me. Kahit papano nashare mo tong emosyon ko. :)) Kahit di ko alam kung sino ka. Sana hindi masyadong mabigat. Sana natuto ka. Alam ko natuto ako. 

Love at 2011. [A Poem]

Love at 2011

by Abba Marie Moreno

"Single" to "in a relationship" to "engaged,"

Those facebook statuses always change.

Those archives in YM grow longer than long,

Moving and swaying to Jason Mraz' song.

The nights, they pass, they pass away,

To usher the new morning without delay.

From letters to e-mail, from e-mail to texts,

From texts to chat to means far more complex.

From "Romeo and Juliet" to the great big screen,

The stories go on, more than we've seen.

The days, they pass, they pass away,

To usher the sweet evenings without delay.

From "Hi :)" to "Hello :)," "Hello :)" to "How are you? :)"

100 more "How are you's" will then translate to "I like you."

Facebook seems to smile and Twitter bird sings too,

In celebration of these feelings new to you.

The nights and days, they pass away,

Nonetheless, love is here to stay. 

=============================================================

Finally, made something. \m/

You've completely disrupted my sleep cycle.

Havent blogged in agesssss.
Finally.

February 8 2011. Hmm. Math midterms have passed. Long tests. Sort of half-way to the second semester, i think.

HAHA. Malapit na matapos first year in college koooo. Glad? Sad? Contente? Triste?
Je ne sais pas.

A lot has happened. Learned a bit of french. Got my first D in a long test in chem. D: Hmm. episodes of depression (hmm. nothing new there? tho i should really get that out of my system). Gotten close to the block more than ever. Closer to the friends I hold dear. Started to despise the double down (People are starving in Africa!). Still havent eaten a burger or drunk coffee.

Ewan. Andaming nangyayari. Busy? A bit.
Minsan, nawawalan na ng time para sa sarili ko.
Nag-eenjoy ba? Ewan. Medyo?
Nakakapagod, pero worth it naman.

Gusto ko ng isang araw na sa akin lang.
Parang uupo lang ako sa ilalim ng puno at magbabasa.
Yep. perfect day.
Or write, yeah, i'd like that.

Ang boring naman ng blog na to. :))
Next time, promise, mas marami akong sasabihin. Masyadong maraming nangyayari.
Too many thoughts. So little time to write them all on paper.

LOL. It's a Monday morning. (Monday mourning? XD )
I look forward to the rest of the week. I slept at 2.30 am. I woke up at 7! =)) HAHA.

Qui suis-je?

Bonjour! Je suis bien. Et toi?

Tu vas bien?

 

Je m’appelle Abba Marie Moreno.

Je suis une belle et jeune fille. =))

C’est ma photo.

 Oui, elle n'est pas moi. =)) Elle est Keira Knightley.

C'est moi. Je suis belle aussi. :))

J’ai dix-sept ans. Ma date de naissance c’est juillet vingt-huit mille neuf cent quatre-vingts treize.

Je suis philippine. Je parle anglais et tagalog.

J’habite gueventville II rue de Libertad, Mandaluyong.

 

Je ne travaille pas encore.

Je suis étudiante.

J’étudie la chimie à l'université Ateneo de Manila.

Mon cours, c'est "BS Chemistry with Materials Science Engineering."

  

Mon rêve, c’est aller à Paris. Oui, Paris. <3

Je voudrais être une écrivain. 

J’aime écriture. 

C’est ma vie.

 

Merci! À bientôt! 

2011 Resolutions

It's the first time actually, that i'm making a list of resolutions. (Well you know, except the ones they make you do in CL class in elementary).

Probably, it's because i've realized that i've done so many wrong things in my life. 

Generally, i'm happy, but then from time to time i just break down and be a mess for my friends to pick up after. 

This year's gonna be different. No, starting this year, everything will be different. :)

1. I will do my best not to cry anymore. [Naks, totoo yan. ;)]

2. I will not go emo anymore. [Because I have awesome friends that are there for me. So why bother?]

3. I will do a better job of keeping the people I love happy.

4. If I do ever fall in love / like someone, I will not try to fight / deny it to myself, at least.

5. I will put God above all things. 

And yes, procrastination is not on the list. I do not lie. :))

Okay. 3.30 AM. Alone now. 

Hey what'd you know, I've been living for more than 17 years now. 

Gah. I'm turning 18 this year. They can put me in jail. D:

2010 was a big year for me. As in like, Ginormous. 

Andaming drama, pare. 

And well, I've done so many things I regret now.

I've made other people shed tears--and my own too. 

I get lost in the things I want that I end up having nothing.

I've done and said things I'm not proud of. 

And well, I've kept them all with me, the whole year.

All these negative feelings toward specific persons and to myself.

I carried them, all the way til this second.

But no longer. Starting now, 

I am going to let go of all of them.

And finally forgive myself. 

Nothing good will come out of sulking. 

I should just move on and learn from them, right?
Sounds cliche but hey, I really find it hard to do. 

You all know me, OC on mistakes. 

Ang dami kong narealize this year. 

Sobra.

AS IN. MAJOR MAJOR.

All in a plan. :)

Pero, marami naman din akong magandang karanasan noong 2010. 

I've made a lot of people smile and laugh. 

I've gotten physical distance from old friends

and met new ones. 

Haha. Naggraduate ako ng HS. At ngayon, nasa kolehiyo na. 

I've learned a lot [nerd alert!].

I've had a lot of priceless moments that will forever stay with me. 

Thank you, 2010. :)

Ngayong 2011,

I've got a pocket full of new perspective,

a whole bag of determination,

and 365 days worth of road ahead. 

I have family and friends with me. 

And I'm looking at this road with high hopes. 

Who knows? Baka ma-A ko ang math. [naks.]

Baka matapos ko yung poem collection ko.

Baka di na ako mag-emo! :))

Baka ma-inlove ako :">

Baka magpahaba ako ng buhok. XD
Baka gumanda pa ako lalo. :"> [or baka pumangit. :)) ]

Pwede ring,

matulog ako,

at baka hindi na ako magising.

I wanna live everyday of this year like it's my last. 

2011, here I come. :)

God be with me. 

3:48AM Jan1,2011

It Takes a Second [A Poem]

It Takes a Second

 

In a certain time,

In a certain town,

In a certain school,

In a certain playground,

In a certain part,

Where no grass grew,

There lay pebbles two.

 

They never spoke to,

In front of, each other

(Never bothered to try too)

For each had his own wonder.

His own  space,

His own resilience,

His own ways,

His own existence.

 

So why bother?

 

 

One day,

Where one of them lay,

A boy kicked a pebble away.

(Movement.)

The galaxy was pushed into disarray.

 

The other pebble watched,

As the universe unraveled,

It was the very first time,

He saw either of them traveled

(a distance).

 

It takes a second to realize.

 

 

“Oh what curiosity!

Oh what new bounds!

Oh what stupidity,

To think that I am sound.”

 

He wants to move too.

 

 

 

He tried.

And tried.

 

 

 

 

But he couldn’t.

 

It takes a second to realize.