almost a senior. :)

(sigh.) bigayan ng stipend ngayon. :)) P1200 X) not enough for the hard work and the sleepless nights X)

anyway, that's not the point. today na it was given is like the 8th time i got it. WHOAH. X) third year na pala ako. it was just like yesterday that i was a freshman; feeling ultimately different. i remember the people i used to hang out with. back when i was in my first year, I DID NOT COME HOME AT PAST 7pm(during schooldays)! X)) all those people i left. all those people i miss. X|

second year came, and yeah. their almost the same people i am with right now.

same faces :) new phases :)

on days AND nights, that i thought i wouldnt make it alive, i actually did! i even learned how to do a project a night before the deadline :)) i learned that brown envelopes can actually save your life in keeping all those darn quizzes your teacher asked you to compile. i learned that all the stress, all the hard work, all the sleeplessness, is all worthwhile, when you have friends there beside you. awwww. :))

it's january 09. i remember my first day of high school, june 6 06. [666] other people thought it was the end of the world, but it was a beginning for ours. :D

a few more months i'll be a senior. a fourth of me wants to end it! but all the rest doesnt want me to. life in mandsci has not been like any other feeling i felt. here are a few scenes i like:

• when it's 9 or 10pm, you and your groupmates are walking to get home from a tough project, you feel the cold air of the night brush through your skin, the empty streets bestowing upon you the freedom to rant and talk, the lights of the streetlamps guiding your way through the rough night. :) it's quite a scene.
• last night, your whole classroom was practicing for like a play or dance or whatever, you go to school and see the drooping eyes of all your classmates........ but still when they find you staring at them, they simply smile. :D all boundaries crossed.
• times when you really cant get your precalculus problem and you're at the verge of crying because you cant just solve it, someone comes near you and teaches you. and even though you ask him or her to repeat it for three or four times, you end up getting it and thanking that person. he or she just walks away, not waiting for a praise or reward.
• the open forums; the way you cry; the way others cry... and how it strengthens the bond between class and room. :D
• the corny jokes, like mine, that are even though as corny as heck, will still make you laugh.

sigh. those are just a few. even though it is hard to be like this. always stressed and out of sleep. through all the crushes and crushees. through all the teachers and their loads of homework and tasks. through everything... mandsci in itself makes it worthwhile with friends and its charm. :)

i know.

well this is sort of my version of Kuya marc's rants over at the GreenChronicles.

i always wonder why my life seems to breeze past me. i mean. one minute i'm sitting in class the next second i'm somewhere i dont want to be in.

i'm really starting to get ticked off by these contests. i'm very BUSY. yeah. i'm VERY BUSY. i've been saying that all the time. Using it as an excuse which really is the reason. I missed how much? i'm not talking about the quizzes or the grades or the classes i've missed. but the people i've denied my presence of. my friends. my family. the people i want to be with.

it's depressing that i cant stand up and say NO. Do i like the pressure? the rewards? the success? the depression? the complication? being not there when i need to be there the most? what's happening? i promised myself that i would take control of MY life. But why cant i seem to stop this madness? was it because people are expecting me to do this? or was it no one else CAN do it? Rather no else WANTS to do it?

Cant i deny those people? 3 days ago, i was crying. I was horribly frustrated because nothing seemed to go my way. i couldnt do homework. i was just in my room, depressed. i missed two birthdays of the two people i love. how can i memorize Seratonin -- C10H12N2O and not realize that it's a birthday of my dear friend?! what type of android have i become? have i ceased to become human and started to erase emotions?

i have not been writing lately. i have not been drawing lately. all those things that i once thought was fun. i cant seem to do them. why? because i'm BUSY. VERY BUSY.

everything seems so ironic. so sarcastic. the weather is mocking me. the flowers, birds and trees! they all mock me with their NOT BUSY lives. i want to take life, step by step. not like the movie "CLICK". my world is not remote-controlled. i take control. God does.

let me hate you for one day.

I HATE YOU.

[i wont name names, or anything but yes, i do.]

it's the attitude you have. the devil-may-care attitude MIGHT look cool, but the hell with that. gaano ba kakapal mukha mo ha? leaving us to do things that we arent obligated to do?!? and as we walked out of that door, you couldnt even bother to at least say GOODLUCK, if not take the responsibility? what the hell is wrong with you?!?

Do your personal luxuries matter more than your obligations? other's welfare? YOU ARE SO SELFISH. cant you put that in your head? SELFISH KA. anong gagawin mo? wala?

 

if you could just turn around and look what you have becoming, you'll see what i see. you think you're so great. you think you're this successful jerk but you're not. it's the guts that people have that make them strong, not the selfish priorities.

YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH OF MY DIGNITY WAS LOST.

i hope no one reads this. i'm just so mad right now. the hell with that.