It's easy to lose yourself in a crowd you keep trying to fit in to.
Ewan ko, kung sadyang hipster lang talaga at nonconformist ako, pero napansin ko talaga (not limited to myself) na madali palang mawala. The more you try to instantly change for what you think is 'better', it will probably bite you back. Actually, I don't think that the word 'change' should be the one used to refer to one's personality, i think 'growth' is better. Know who you are, even the bad things about you--because you can never change right away. You can grow slowly but never force yourself into being someone you really aren't.
Recently, I noticed that I've been trying to fit in to groups of people (that I perhaps envy or feel like I want to be). Siguro yung mga tipong "I want to feel loved" group or like "I want to be taken care of" group. I am a strong person--I know that. I like taking care of people, I like making people feel loved. Sometimes, it gets tiring. And sometimes, I just want to take a break (yung parang ako naman ang pasayahin niyo =)) ). And I guess, the feelings like these just built up recently (mga 12+ years na rin).
Well tao din naman ako, napapagod.
Pero, lalo akong nawala eh. The more I tried to look for affection and attention by acting and eventually becoming 'weak', the more I lost myself and what I was looking for. Hindi bagay sa akin ang nag-eemo oras-oras. Hindi bagay sa akin yung iyak nang iyak. (Cool kasi ako =)) ) Ako dapat yung madadapa nang onti, iiyak nang onti sa mga mahal kong kaibigan, hihinga nang malalim tapos dapat okay na (grabe nagka 3 month depression ata ako). Fight lang. Yun ako.
Pagpasok ko nang college, sabi ko sa sarili ko, maglay-low na lang. Ayokong ma-notice ng mga tao. Ayokong magtake ng responsibility. Pero nang tumagal, hindi ko rin naiwasan yung mga bagay na gusto ko gawin (ang excuse ko lang naman ay kasi nakakapagod na). Edi nagtake na ko ng responsibility pero hindi pa rin nawala yung mentality na "pagod na ako. I want something in return" na feeling. I looked for attention/affection, I guess. Tipong dapat may kapalit tong ginagawa ko. Maybe to find someone I can confide to and just be 'weak' to that person. And just my luck, it was a wrong person. (Isa sa mga rule ko sa buhay ay hindi magtiwala nang lubusan kaagad) I wanted to become weak, just so i could feel what it was like to be comforted or to have someone 'strong' carry me. And lo, when those people hurt my trust, i just really lost myself. Acting weak, eventually came to 'I became weak.'
Gusto ko lang kumapit somewhere. Because I lost myself while trying to 'get' things that were not meant for me. Naging greedy siguro ako.
Nabasa ko yung sinulat ko sa isa sa mga notebook ko. Ang sabi ko:
"Sanay ako nang mag-isa. Mas gusto ko na mag-isa akong nagtatrabaho. Hindi madalas ang pagtitiwala ko sa tao at sa pag-asa ko sa mga tao."
--> Yan yung ako na ginusto kong itapon. Kasi yang mga traits na yan ang nagpapahirap sa akin. Pero alam niyo, nung nawala yan, mas nawala ako. =))
Nakasulat dun sa notebook na yun na: "Ako yung tipo ng tao na ibibigay ko ang lahat na makakaya ko sa mga taong mahal ko na kahit walang kapalit." (siguro kahit hindi pantay yung kapalit =)) ) Love is manifested in many ways. I tried to grasp a manifestation (or manifestations) that looked inviting but wasn't meant for me. Yung love na para sa akin (well so far) ay yung kahit malayo sila, or kahit hindi ko sila kasama, mahal pa rin ako. :)) The love that transcends space and time. It's not always physically and obviously there, but yung tipo na alam sa puso at kaluluwa na minamahal ka.=)) Yun yung sa akin. Masarap ang feeling. (at mas masarap yung feeling na hindi ka na naghahangad nang iba pa.)
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