The Trouble with Realism

Hay. Siyempre, magbblog ulit ako. Too many thoughts, Need to get them out. I just want to write.

Tama nga. I think some Romantic side of me sort of died and was replaced by a healthy helping of hurtful Realism. You know, i feel sort of dead in a way. It's just not because of one incident, it's sort of that and some following incidents have completely changed me. So many negative thoughts are coming to mind. Don't worry though, I know they're not healthy thoughts, I won't feed on these. These are what come to mind:

1. There are people who I absolutely despise and no matter how much I despise them, they're still gonna be their despicable selves. I despise them even though we're bound by blood.
--Hay. Nakakainis. Yun lang, nakakainis. May mga type talaga ng tao na walang sense of direction. Yung walang magawa sa sarili nila at walang magawa kung hinid umasa sa mga taong obligadong mahalin sila. Naiiinis ako at naaawa. Hindi ba nila nakikitang kinamumuhian na sila? Hindi ba nila nakikitang nakakaawa na sila? WTF. Nasaan ba ang priorities niyo? Ang honor? Ang pride. Nag-iinit ang dugo ko. I can't believe I'm related to them. I've been struggling with this for a long time. I guess it's just now that I wrote about it. You might think, baka plastic ako--hindi ah, i outwardly show that i have no interest in what they're saying, I even step out of the room. I just don't see why they can't fix themselves up, we're family, we're here for them. But all they're trying to do is think that they're alone and thus, they become more of what they think they are.

2. The people I care about will hurt me the most.
--Well, sinabi ko na ito sa last blog. Paulit-ulit ko kasing naiisip eh. Mapa-pamilya o mapa-kaibigan. Concern and love for people is directly proportional to the hurt that you can feel because of them. Humans have always been expecting beings. Gotta agree, there is never true unconditional love in humans. Ah basta, you get it. As of now, ayokong magtrust ng tao. Ayoko na talaga. Kung puwede nga lang, pupunta na lang ako sa isang bundok, maninirahan doon, mag-aalaga ng mga hayop at halaman at mamatay mag-isa. Seryoso ako. =)) It's a very cowardly thought though--to exclude one's self from the world because of the fear of pain. Hmm. I should reevaluate things.

3. There's more to life than living and hating it.
--I know, i know. I've been hating it and shit. I'm really aggressive lately and I can easily get pissed nowadays. And a big chunk of romanticism in me died but i know there is some left. And I know in my heart that there is more to life than this. There is more to life than hatred, than wanting to be alone, than wanting not to get hurt. I think I know the answer/s. I'll remember it in time.


The Trouble with Realism
What is the trouble with Realism for me? (This is not the trouble of Realism in general, this is my personal opinion, why I cannot be a realist.)

The trouble with realism, to me, is that it does not leave room for imagination. It does not leave room for spirit. It does not have room for the big heart I already have.

Realists would call me weak right now and that emotion would only hurt me. I'm a romanticist at heart. I have a free spirit and I have a big heart. And that is real. So fuck off =)))

I guess what I'm saying is that I can't be a realist. No matter how much the world slaps me and bites me back, I will always know that the world is good, that there is hope for the good, no matter how small the fraction it will be. I'm a romanticist, I can't help it.