Hindi ka maliligtas ni Kapitan Sino. (blog entry)

Tatlong araw pa lang ang nakalilipas bago nagsimula ang second semester. At alam niyo, more than ever in my life, ngayon ko lang ulit naramdaman na kilala ko kung sino ako. (at nakarealize din ako ng mga bagay-bagay :)) )

It's easy to lose yourself in a crowd you keep trying to fit in to. 

Ewan ko, kung sadyang hipster lang talaga at nonconformist ako, pero napansin ko talaga (not limited to myself) na madali palang mawala. The more you try to instantly change for what you think is 'better', it will probably bite you back. Actually, I don't think that the word 'change' should be the one used to refer to one's personality, i think 'growth' is better. Know who you are, even the bad things about you--because you can never change right away. You can grow slowly but never force yourself into being someone you really aren't.

Recently, I noticed that I've been trying to fit in to groups of people (that I perhaps envy or feel like I want to be). Siguro yung mga tipong "I want to feel loved" group or like "I want to be taken care of" group. I am a strong person--I know that. I like taking care of people, I like making people feel loved. Sometimes, it gets tiring. And sometimes, I just want to take a break (yung parang ako naman ang pasayahin niyo =)) ). And I guess, the feelings like these just built up recently (mga 12+ years na rin).

Well tao din naman ako, napapagod. 

Pero, lalo akong nawala eh. The more I tried to look for affection and attention by acting and eventually becoming 'weak', the more I lost myself and what I was looking for. Hindi bagay sa akin ang nag-eemo oras-oras. Hindi bagay sa akin yung iyak nang iyak. (Cool kasi ako =)) ) Ako dapat yung madadapa nang onti, iiyak nang onti sa mga mahal kong kaibigan, hihinga nang malalim tapos dapat okay na (grabe nagka 3 month depression ata ako). Fight lang. Yun ako. 

Pagpasok ko nang college, sabi ko sa sarili ko, maglay-low na lang. Ayokong ma-notice ng mga tao. Ayokong magtake ng responsibility. Pero nang tumagal, hindi ko rin naiwasan yung mga bagay na gusto ko gawin (ang excuse ko lang naman ay kasi nakakapagod na). Edi nagtake na ko ng responsibility pero hindi pa rin nawala yung mentality na "pagod na ako. I want something in return" na feeling. I looked for attention/affection, I guess. Tipong dapat may kapalit tong ginagawa ko. Maybe to find someone I can confide to and just be 'weak' to that person. And just my luck, it was a wrong person. (Isa sa mga rule ko sa buhay ay hindi magtiwala nang lubusan kaagad) I wanted to become weak, just so i could feel what it was like to be comforted or to have someone 'strong' carry me. And lo, when those people hurt my trust, i just really lost myself. Acting weak, eventually came to 'I became weak.' 

Gusto ko lang kumapit somewhere. Because I lost myself while trying to 'get' things that were not meant for me. Naging greedy siguro ako.

Nabasa ko yung sinulat ko sa isa sa mga notebook ko. Ang sabi ko:

"Sanay ako nang mag-isa. Mas gusto ko na mag-isa akong nagtatrabaho. Hindi madalas ang pagtitiwala ko sa tao at sa pag-asa ko sa mga tao."

--> Yan yung ako na ginusto kong itapon. Kasi yang mga traits na yan ang nagpapahirap sa akin. Pero alam niyo, nung nawala yan, mas nawala ako. =)) 

Nakasulat dun sa notebook na yun na: "Ako yung tipo ng tao na ibibigay ko ang lahat na makakaya ko sa mga taong mahal ko na kahit walang kapalit." (siguro kahit hindi pantay yung kapalit =)) ) Love is manifested in many ways. I tried to grasp a manifestation (or manifestations) that looked inviting but wasn't meant for me. Yung love na para sa akin (well so far) ay yung kahit malayo sila, or kahit hindi ko sila kasama, mahal pa rin ako. :)) The love that transcends space and time. It's not always physically and obviously there, but yung tipo na alam sa puso at kaluluwa na minamahal ka.=)) Yun yung sa akin. Masarap ang feeling. (at mas masarap yung feeling na hindi ka na naghahangad nang iba pa.)

All the Details in the Fabric.

Hello. :) another formal blog here. di na masyadong emo or angry. :)) XXD

hay. recently. i was staring blank into space inside the classroom. [stare] the rays of sunshine illuminating half faces, desk arms and the blackboard. it was steaming hot inside the classroom. air wasnt going out. the trees were still. my english teacher spoke fluent english.

a thought occurred to me.

"THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME I SEE THIS SCENE." ---the class has been busy lately. assignments. groupworks. a ton of class works. :) puro practice kagad. tapos gumagawa na rin ng mga proyekto. it was like it was already the middle of the year. :|

pagkatapos ng UPCAT at ACET, wala na masyadong pagkakaabalahan. tuloy-tuloy na to.

 

tuloy-tuloy patungo?

 

patungo saan?

 

sa pagkakahiwalay?

 

sa pagkakalimutan?

 

saan?

 

 

thoughts were zooming inside my head. mam tirones kept glancing towards me. i seemed occupied. i was. :) i've already said to a lot of people that i'm tired of mandsci. that i really really really want to leave and go to college. but . . . when i noticed the scene i described earlier. i felt the gravity of what i said. did i really feel this way? yes i'm tired but, the scene, it was, if not beautiful, simply immaculate.

it's the first time i realized that this would be my LASTS in mandsci. i told Ate Iced Tea, that i'm graduating. she was like OO NGA. i grew up in her iced tea, though i dont always buy. :) nung first year ako, ayun. yun lang iniinom ko. :)) ngayon. medyo ganun ulit.

FOURTH YEAR NA PALA AKO. :)

 

havent really thought of it. i dont feel it. i dont feel old in school. i still imagine kuya paul's batch and everybody there. at the back of my head, i couldnt accept it. :)

like in my previous blog. Things are meant to pass away. it is because they are more valued that way.

 

i noticed that scene. if i was in my second year, i'd be like, wow that's cool. but now. it's more like: wow, will i ever see this again?

yes. my theory proved correct yet again. it's sorta sad but hey. i get to feel this sort of value.

 

we're in one big loom :)

and these are the details in the fabric.

Time Would Stop After All.[i must say, a must read in all of my works. :D short story]

Time Would Stop After All.

By: Blackrose

Abba Marie Moreno – Blackrose is my pen name ;)

 

           

            Have you ever had that moment in your life (maybe you’d had it more than once) that you wished that time would just stop? Whether it was happiness that could’ve made you wet your pants, depression that made you devour tubs of ice cream or just plain aggravation over your boss, it was a time of great desperation.

 

            And every time that situation comes up, Time wouldn’t stop.

 

And you’d feel more than ever that somehow God hated you. Eventually you’d get over it. It could’ve lasted in your favor or somehow skip it, but it did not.

 

Time is a being. He goes to work like everyone else. Yeah, I said HE. On Mondays, he’d just sit on clouds and watch over us. It was one big reality show for him. Sometimes, he’d be in animal forms—crawling among us. On Sundays, he’d go and see Him; have a little chat and so. Occasionally, he’d walk among us humans and maybe have a hotdog or so. Of all the things he loved doing, he loved sleeping the most. :]

 

“OOHH, I wish time would stop!” he’d hear this once in a while. He’d peek for just a bit, and fall back into sleep. Pity was not in his vocabulary.

 

He had no care in the world. Yeah, he had a good a life—one good immortal life.

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey, Manager, I’m taking the day off. Would you mind?”  Time asked the Boss.

 

“No problem. Just be sure to come back.” The Boss sat in his desk, smiled and went back to the line of angels that had matters to discuss.

 

 

 

 

“My, my.” It was a Wednesday, much like any Wednesday. He felt smug about himself—walking casually, a man of 28 or 30. He was going to visit Mr. Clocksworth, the owner of the Clock Shoppe in Paris. He’s been here quite a few times. He’d like to marvel at the Grandfather Clocks, the Parisian wall clocks, there was even a metronome. The tick, the tock, the movement of the pendulums, it all stunned him at awe each time.

 

“Oh, I see that you have much interest in clocks.” The elderly shopkeeper said in abrupt French.

“Yes, yes. Time is a wonderful thing you see.” He replied.

 

The shopkeeper smiled and left him alone. By five o’clock he went to the Eiffel Tower. He saw this woman in a fur coat; she had tears on her cheeks. He walked past her. He didn’t have time to spare for those who could not fix their lives.

 

            He felt a tug. The Parisian woman had held on to his coat.

 

            “Would you mind if we had a drink?” she asked him. She seemed sober but her teary eyes were evident.

 

            “Sorry, Lady, but I have no time for that.” He replied in a stern voice.

 

            “Oh come on, just one. There’s a time for everything.” She pulled on his hand as though he were a child. She looked desperate; he had no choice. He did have time anyway.

 

 

            They had a drink. She told him about what happened. Her fiancé had cancelled the wedding since he’d met a new woman. She needed a stranger whom to share her problems with, no familiarity whatsoever, and that was him. They had a few laughs and it made her feel better. She had a common face, she wasn’t extraordinary in some extravagant way but she seemed so… so…. Right.

 

            “God really is a wonderful being. How he had written the stories of our lives. How he’d chosen time to keep moving forward.” A soothing tone of relief in her voice.

 

            “Oh. How do you say so? I’ve heard a lot of people who’d give their all just to stop time. Ever seen time-machine movies?” he replied. He looked at her.

 

            “Oh, I don’t know about that. But, if time could bend into our will. We wouldn’t be as strong as we are. We can’t move on. I’ve moved on.” She said with effect and emphasis.

 

            “Good for you. I need to go now. It was nice meeting you.” He bid goodbye.

 

            “No no, it was nice, meeting YOU. Thanks a lot. I finally have my dignity back.” She smiled and they walked separate ways.

 

Normally, he was indifferent about the people he met. But when she smiled, he felt his heart skip a beat. That was odd, he thought. He had a good time. But it was different from the emotion he felt. For the first time in his existence, he could not sleep.

 

 

He went back to the Office.

 

            “Boss, what’s this feeling?” he asked.

            The Boss winked and said. “Why, that is love. You’d fallen in love, son. And all I thought now that you weren’t susceptible to that.”

 

            “Love?” he asked. He got his time card and checked out. He said goodbye to the Boss and sat beneath the stars.

 

            Love, he thought. I’ve seen these things on human movies but it doesn’t feel that way. He smiled. It was a mixed emotion of things he didn’t know. It was spectacular. She’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want to see her again. And trust me, he has seen a lot of wonderful things.

 

 

 

He’d meet her every Wednesday at the same spot where they met. They’d eat or dance or just walk. Whatever they did, they had fun. It was all so simple yet it was profound. He’d smile more often but he never forgot about his job. The Boss didn’t seem to mind, as long as he did his duties. He had the best weeks of his existence.

 

He was watching over this woman, whose name he did not bother to ask. She had gone from the groceries. It was a Sunday.

 

            A ten-wheeler truck.

 

            A driver half asleep.

 

            A boy of six or seven picking up a ball on the middle of the road.

 

            A woman with shopping bags who saw the boy.

 

            And an impulse that told her to save the young boy.

 

It all happened so fast, funny that he was responsible for that.

 

            Her last breath --- Time had stopped. Perhaps he did not have Pity in his vocabulary but I guess, it had the word Love in it.

 

 

 

This was insubordination. He touched her face. She was dying. He couldn’t go back. His job was the priority. The most rational act was for him to stop time and savor this moment.

 

            Everything froze. The seemingly endless ticking of the wound clocks have stopped. Water froze in the air as a mother had thrown some water. The city lights paused in a way that was magnificent. The unstoppable wind was stopped. It was beauty that time could only give us. It truly was an amazing sight.

 

            “What are you doing?” a little girl asked him. It was Death, his colleague.

 

            “I—I don’t know.” He stammered.

 

            “It is time.” She said.

 

            “No.” he lied to himself.

 

            “This is part of the Design. You have your job. I have mine. It is hard, I know.” Her mellifluous voice underscored the words even more.

 

            She was right. This was wrong. Death touched his shoulder. It was time.

 

He closed her eyes for about a second; this was the first time he wanted to go back to a particular moment. He wanted to go back to the first smile she had given him.

 

He opened his eyes: everything resumed. The ticking went on. Water fell on the ground. The city lights assumed disorder. The wind ran again. It was all according to the Design. He just wanted to sleep it all away.

 

 

He was going over to the Boss. While he was going there, he tried to think logically. She died a noble. It was madness for him to do such an irresponsible thing. He loved her, and if he really did, he would want her to fulfill the Purpose the Boss had given her.

 

But, if time could bend into our will. We wouldn’t be as strong as we are. We can’t move on. I’ve moved on. Her words rung inside his head. “I wasn’t strong as I thought after all.” He thought.

 

He was there at the Office.

 

            “Boss, I screw up. And I don’t know what to say.” Time said with much embarrassment.

 

            “Yes, I know.” The Boss smiled.

 

            “Different beings respond to love in different ways. And that was yours. Don’t worry about that. No damage done. It was an opportunity for you to feel it. Wonderful, is it not?” He continued.

 

            “It was—is the most wonderful feeling.” Time replied with his teary eyes.

 

            The Boss patted his head.

 

 

Time had stopped once—and it was for Love.

           

Love, the magnificent force pouring out from God.

 

 

My Brother's Graduation

Start:	Mar 28, '09 10:00a
Location:	Aquinas School

from HS to College na siya. matanda na siya. :)) XD

The Velocity of Our Growing Up.

BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE:

pagpasensyahan na ang pagkanerd ko. :)) XDDD hahahaha. anyway. that's the formula of speed, and uh, velocity just SOUNDS so much cooler. but it's pretty much the same except for the direction ;) anyway. this was just a random thought. :D

BLOG:

it was dawn then. i realized that there was a test on physics the next day. VELOCITY. SPEED. everything is going so fast. and suddenly i realized how much i've changed since my freshman year in HighSchool.

mga dati mong kaklaseng lalake, totoy na totoy, ngayon nagggirlfriend na. :)) seryoso, nagddeyt. :)) yung mga babae naman, parang may sorority sa batch-- nagbago ng hairstyle, nagkaboyfriend at natutong mageyeliner. HAY. where have the days gone?

it was my first year where i had so much fun. NO EXPECTATIONS. well people looked down us. we werent the A section then. our room was a replica of payatas and our teachers LOVED urrhhmm... hated.... urhhmmm. LOVED as so much. :)) but none too much. XD

ang pagtutugtog sa classroom, ang pagbuo ng banda, ang battle of the bands, it just went by. and sooner or later, JAYMI and IVAN left. :( miss you. first year was finished before we knew it.

 

TIME FLIES WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN.

 

second year. third year. and sooner or later FOURTH YEAR. how time flies.

everyone and everything seems to change.

and am i still the same?

 

will i stay the same?