Merry Christmas! (to those of families like mine)

On Christmas Day, Family and the Irresponsibility of the Society

By Abba Marie Moreno

Christmas day is about the birth of Christ, the savior of us all. Although his birth was most likely in the months of March and April, the Vatican declared its celebration to be on the 25^th of December—in time for the pagan celebrations, to facilitate immediate adaptation for converts. Christmas is about celebrating Christ: rekindling the Christianity in each of us we tend to take for granted the rest of the 364 days of the year (although we should really stop doing that).

Like everything else in the world, Christmas is one of the most commercialized holidays in the world—thank you Modern Society! We celebrate Christmas through shopping, gifts, trees (for fulfilling a pagan tradition), decorations, stockings, chestnuts, ham, etcetera, etcetera. And with commercialization, Society has never failed to ‘brand’ things, ‘label’ them (a very likely marketing strategy, or perhaps sharing a common mental construct helps Society to stay together). Christmas has always been associated with: Christ (obviously, and Christianity, of course), Trees, Carols, Sharing, Giving, Santa Claus (I still don’t get why), Elves, Reindeer, Snow (for other countries) and many other things—but I want to focus on one particular label we associate with Christmas: family.

 

Society spreads the idea of having one’s family complete and happy during Christmas:

“The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree:  the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.”  --Burton Hillis

There are tons of quotes in respective Hallmark cards about how family (though physically apart or together) is supposed to be during Christmas. A family should strive to be complete during this day. A family should enjoy each other’s company, the gifts are only secondary. A family should forget all their problems and forgive one another during Christmas. And for the most part, Christmas is meant to be celebrated with your family. Society encourages that, if not demands it.

Don’t get me wrong though, I totally support the idea they’re getting through. Jesus was born into a loving family on that day, why not celebrate it as a family too? I’m for it.

It’s just that I find it very irresponsible in the part of our Society to keep its paradigm on Christmas-and-family after all the change it has ushered (if not demanded) into the modern times. Between 1971 and 2011, certain European countries have finally legalized Divorce (leaving only the Philippines and the Vatican City in the globe without divorce procedures). For those who fear breaking a commitment, Society offered Annulment and Legal Separation. Since 1973, abortion has been legal in the US. Most of Europe and key countries in Asia have it abortion also legalized (others with special circumstances). (And, yes, I do acknowledge the fact that these methods may have improved the lives of others, just hear me out bros.)

Forty-percent of the children in the US grew up (will grow up) without a father: so says the website I just checked out.

What I’m trying to say is that: after making available these opportunities to break up families, how can Society remain inconsiderate? I’ve never seen a Hallmark card for a single parent or for a child with divorced parents. Okay, fine, it is a bit selfish and biased but hey, what do you think forty-percent of children in the US will feel after seeing a Christmas card with a picture of a complete family? Most children will get over it after a few years, but the initial sadness will always be there: I don’t belong to a normal family. Thoughts like: Christmas is about family, we should be together, but Dad is away.

I know that the Broken-family-type is a minority in the population, causing change for them is unnecessary, if not unreasonable: most families are, well, not broken. I’m not asking for anything either, I’m not really sure whether specialized Hallmark cards is for the best. It’s just that I find it so unfair: how Christmas is enjoyed by almost everyone else and I can’t. (Yes, this is not an objective view of the topic discussed.) Everyone says these things about having complete and happy families—but what if you don’t belong to one? Is your Christmas less than theirs? Sociologically, I’m afraid yes. Society (its greetings, its Christmas cards, billboards, posters) is very inconsiderate of us unfortunate few.

I’ll go back to the first lines I wrote: Christmas is about Christ, about celebrating His birth in your heart. As long as you’re celebrating Christmas as it really is, there is nothing to feel bad about.

Merry Christmas, regardless if your family is complete or not. :)

Leo (my version of 'Aquarius' by Spektor)

Leo

By Abba Marie Moreno

(A version of ‘Aquarius’ by Regina Spektor)

 

Dear someone listening in the shadows,

I only talk to you sometimes

And though I ask for help in riddles

It is clearer in my mind,

Clearer in my mind.

 

Born of a sign that roars in fire,

But in a month that’s always silent.

I know I don’t question things too quickly,

But I’ve always questioned if I’ve loved,

Loved.

 

Dear someone watching from the shadows,

I’m hunting down my dreams.

I’ve held my chin up high and proud,

But there is something that’s amiss,

Something that’s amiss.

 

Born of a sign that roars in fire,

But in a month that whispers silence.

And though I don’t question things too quickly,

I’ve always wondered if I’ve loved,

Wondered if I’ve loved.

 

Dear someone watching in the shadows,

You’ve seen me roar alone once more,

I’m not the gentlest of all creatures,

Because there’s something I’m fighting for,

Someone I’m fighting for.

 

Born of a sign that roars of pride,

But in a month that whispers silence.

I’m not the gentlest of all creatures,

But I’ll be tamed by only love.

I’m not the gentlest of all creatures,

But I’ll be tamed by only love,

Tamed by only love,

Love. 

I Love You Like No Other (Poem)

I Love You Like No Other

By Abba Marie Moreno

___ ______ __ ____ _______,

__ _____ __ _________ _____.

_ ___’_ ____ __ ____ ___ ____.

_ ____ ___ ____ __ _____.

 

_ ___’_ ______ ____ ___ ____

__ ____ ____, ___ _’_ ____ ____:

____ __ ___ ____ ___ _ ___ ___,

_ ____ ___ ____ __ _____.

 

____ ____ __ ______ ___,

___ ___ _ ____ ______ ______.

___ ____ __ ___ ____ ___,

_ ___ ____ _____ ___:

_ ____ ___. 

 

(I could always pick out

the words, without a doubt,

what my feelings were all about,

but this, a yesterday’s without,

 

leaves this poem wordless.) 

In Response.

“Gusto kitang sagipin.

kahit delikado. 

Mahal kasi kita. 

Mahal na mahal.

na mahal.”

 

“Ako si Duwag. Ikaw si Matulin. (padalus-dalos)

Ako ay kayang maging si Matapang para sa yo-

si Mabilis, si Malakas, si Maganda, si Matalino,

si Marangya, si Makulit, si Maaasahan.

Ang tulin mo kasi eh. Bakit ka ganyan?

Mahal na mahal

na mahal

na tuloy kita.”

 

“Dumidilim na yata, 

Alam mong takot ako sa dilim. 

-dahil ako nga si Duwag. 

Baka tamaan tayo ng kidlat. 

Lalo ka na. Mahal pa naman kita.”

 

“Kumapit ka nga sa puso ko,  iyan iaabot ko.

Huwag ka sanang makulit sa pagkakataong to.”

 

All quoted from a love letter of a friend.

I read the letter five times, I think. And I cried 3 out of the 5 times. Never mind the who’s involved in the letter. I cried because of the purity of the emotion, the familiarity of the feeling, the love I’ve lost to precaution. The words the writer used: they were the words of a madman crazy in love—no precaution, no walls, no fallbacks: I am in love (period!)

 

I cried, perhaps, because it seems that I have lost the ability to be head-over-heels in love with somebody. It’s been all do’s-and-don’ts, checklists, labels, what to avoid, what to prevent: measures to ensure my heart stays intact. Pero look at what the letter says:

“Kumapit ka nga sa puso ko,  iyan iaabot ko,”

 That is what I had before. It’s not stupid when the person who hands out his heart knows the consequences. It’s total surrender. It is, perhaps, love.

 

I lost all my Romance to Reality.

And what is a poet of love, without his romance?

 

 

 

Ang Igneous Rock Theory ng Pag-ibig

Ang Igneous Rock Theory ng Pag-ibig

Igneous rocks can be classified according to where they are formed: within the earth’s crust (intrusive) and outside the earth’s crust (extrusive).

Intrusive igneous rocks are characterized by large crystals as they are slowly cooled within the earth’s crust. They are coarse-grained: visible crystalline structure. Extrusive igneous rocks, on the other hand, are quickly cooled because of the contact with cool air or water; thus, they are fine-grained (non-visible crystalline structure).

 

*At ‘yan ang ilan sa natatandaan ko sa Earth Science ko noong high school. :)) And I guess, hinihintay niyo na kung paano ko ito i-rerelate sa pag-ibig. =)) (at baka sa huli ko na gawin yun)

Sa personal experience ko bilang nilalang dito sa lupang ibabaw, masasabi ko na maraming forms ng pag-ibig (at oo, alam nating lahat yun). Pero ang gusto kong talakayin dito ay ang friendship love, romantic love at pro-romantic love (yes, bagong term ko yan).

Friendship love and romantic love are pretty straightforward—yung isa para sa pinakamamahal niyong mga ka-tropa at yung latter ay para sa taong gusto mong makasama habang buhay bilang lover.

 

Ano ang pro-romantic love?

Pro-romantic love is short for “prospective romantic love”. Ito yung tipo ng “pag-ibig” o damdamin na sinasabing “uy, mukhang may potensyal to, kilalanin pa natin”. And there, you have an intention. Intentions come with expectations (in checklists may be). Expectations come from selfishness and too much (I don’t know how much) selfishness hinders “true romantic love”. Ito siguro yung “infatuation phase” or yung mga crush-crush, MU-MU. To emphasize, pro-romantic love starts with an intention.

 

On another note, romantic love cannot have started to exist by itself between two people (as with all forms of love, I guess). Sabihin na lang natin na ang maaaring precursor ng romantic love are (but not limited to): friendship love and pro-romantic love.

 

Okay, Abba, so anong masasabi mo sa pro-romantic love?

Hmm nag-isip-isip ako kaninang madaling araw at kagabi tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay. (At dahil napanood ko si Barney at Robin sa How I Met Your Mother) Napaisip ako na mas magandang pundasyon ang friendship love (shortcut na natin to FL) kaysa sa pro-romantic love (PL).

 

Okay, Abba, so saan pumapasok ang Igneous rocks dito?

Isipin nating parehong magma ang FL at PL. Yung magma na lalabas sa earth’s crust ay PL at yung magma na mananatili sa loob ng lupa ay FL. So extrusive: PL; at intrusive: FL.

 

 

Extrusive (Volcanic) Igneous Rocks

Magsisimula muna ako sa PL. Like I said, ang PL ay may intention kaagad. You want to get to know this person more because it looks like you can get something out of it (wag kayong magdeny na hindi ito totoo). Siguro, maganda siya, mabait siya, ideal niyong bf/gf. And you try to get closer just to see if there’s something there. And from getting to know that person, it goes two ways: (1) You find you like her/his personality or (2) you get turned off by something you find out (at this point baka mag-on na kayo tapos mag-aaway kayo dahil sa “irreconcilable differences” at later on, magbbreak; with the assumption nga lang na hindi lahat ng relationships ay may RL).

 

So parang magma (RL potential) yan na naging intention mong ilabas sa lupa (lava na ang tawag kapag nasa labas na ng lupa) para magcool para maging bato. Finely-grained siya: mahirap icharacterize ang crystalline structure. Saan ba to galing? Composition? Paano nagform? Medyo tricky ang simula (nauuna ang intention bago ang getting-to-know-each-other), pero kung umabot sa RL, okay na rin.   

 

Intrusive (Plutonic) Igneous Rocks

Ah, so FL na tayo. Ito ay marahil mas kilala bilang “Friends zone” or “Sister/brother zone”. Hindi ito nagsisimula sa kahit anong intention at minimal ang expectations ng FL (aba, basta mapagkakatiwalaan ka nang tunay). Ito yung tipo ng pag-ibig na: kilala mo na tong taong to, alam mo na lahat ng kalokohan nito, marami na kayong pinagdaanan at mahal mo siya bilang kaibigan. From here, this can go three ways: (1) mag-aaway kayo and/or mawawala ang FL, (2) you’ll stay as very good friends all your life and (3) marerealize mo na you want to spend your life with this person at mapupunta sa classic dilemma na “mas importante ba ang friendship namin?” (dito pa lang papasok ang intention: parang yung mga magiiloveyou sa kabarkada tapos masisira yung friendship because “I see you as a friend…” na drama)

 

So same thing, magma (RL potential) na nasa loob ng lupa, na napakatagal bago magcool down. Wala kang intention ilabas at madaliin, mababato ka nga lang sa kakahintay. Coarse-grained ang plutonic rocks. Madali silang icharacterize (at di ko alam kung ano talagang characterization na ginagawa ng mga geologist…). Kitang-kita ang pagform ng crystals, maaaring magkaroon ng vesicles (air packets na ang pangit tingnan sa bato), pero at least kita naman. So parang, kilalang-kilala mo tong taong to, at nagulat ka na lang na gusto mong i-level up ang FL mo.

 

Matinong Comparison ng Intrusive Igneous Rocks at Extrusive Igneous Rocks

1. Likelihood to form RL: So, kapag ang pathway ay patungo sa surface (extrusive at PL), mataas-taas ang probabilidad na maging bato nga. Mabilis ang cooling eh. Halos lahat naman ata ng lava nagiging bato. Ang problema nga lang ay anong klaseng bato ba yang nafform mo? Mabilis malagyan ng impurities ang minerals ng lava. Exposed sa surface, mabilis maweather. Same thing sa PL, one way or another may form ng RL na magagawa (pwede ring akalang RL). Prospective love, Crushes, MUs, mas madali silang pumasok into relationship mode kaysa sa FL (kumplikado ang proseso nun sa FL). Medyo mas concrete ang pathway ng PL, kasi nga may concrete intention na ipinepresent. Ang magma naman na nasa ilalim ng lupa, hindi lahat yan magcocool, hindi lahat magiging bato eventually.
2. Time it takes to cool – Ah, malamang mas mabilis ang extrusive kaysa sa intrusive. Like I said, may external forces na sa extrusive (mas maccool sila ng tubig/air). Same thing sa PL (give it a year or a few months at posible maging kayo na), since may intention na nga, may alam na kayong direction na gusto niyong tahakin. Sa FL naman, wala pang intention at kahit ano, tipong “let our friendship grow” kind of phase. Lilipas ang taon bago mo marealize na “crush” mo pala siya. At medyo mas kumplikado ang pagpasok sa relationship mode.
3. Getting-to-know and Intention – Sa PL, nauuna ang intention bago ang getting-to-know. Sa FL, nauuna ang getting-to-know bago ang intention. Expectations come with intentions, so ganun din.

 

So, Abba, anong point mo?

(di na ko gagamit ng geology references, nakakapagod na)

 

Ang point ko ay…

Dati kasi hindi ako super convinced na ang one of the best types of couples ay yung may foundation ng friendship (yung parang bestfriend). Alam niyo yung feeling na parang, everyone says it so it must be true kind of thing, ganun siguro yung naging disbelief ko. I mean, I never really thought about it up until last night. And the verdict is…

I agree.

 

So ayun ang Igneous rock theory ng pag-ibig. Actually, classification lang ata siya. Hmm, disclaimer: lahat ng sinulat ko tungkol sa teoryang ito ay galing lang sa personal experience ko. Tama siya para sa akin, pero bahala na kayo kung applicable sa buhay niyo. :))

 

---------------------------------------------

About Abba

 

Actually, parang yung FL pathway na lang yung gusto ko talaga. I’m not saying that the PL pathway doesn’t work for other people but, naffeel ko na it’s not for me. I know myself, and I’m the type of person na kapag may goal ako (“intention”) I do everything just to get to that goal. I become selfish. I become very computing sa mga actions na ginagawa ko. And, worst of all, I expect. (and yun siguro yung worst thing, expectations). Yun siguro yung pinakamalaking hindrance sa akin towards RL. Madaling madisappoint at madaling masaktan dahil sa expectations.

 

Ako, kung kilala niyo ko, I’m very attached to my dearest friends (the ones I trust my life with). Ako yung tipong kapag tinanong nila na tumalon ako sa building, malamang pag-iisipan ko pa kung oo or hindi, depende sa dahilan nila. And I realized, I don’t expect much from them. I don’t even expect to see/talk to them regularly. Just as long as may affirmation lang na magkaibigan kami, kuntento na ako. And I want to be there for them, for as long as I can. I love them very much.

 

Sa buong buhay ko, I’ve said “I love you” to five guys.

Two were PL classified.

Three were from FL.

The two from PL turned out that I sort of didn’t mean what I said, everything has changed between me and those two guys. And the ones from FL, I still say/I can say “I love you” up until now ‘cause we’re still friends (haha 4 years na ata yung dalawa dun).

I further realized that the “I love you” from PL is different from the “I love you” from FL. If it’s PL, it takes a lot of time and guts to say it. (Para bang mag-iisip ka pa na: totoo ba to? Anong mangyayari kapag sinabi ko to? Will things change? Sana mag-I love you too siya.) There is a lot of hesitation—because the initial expectation is afraid to be rejected into disappointment. On the other hand, the one from FL is entirely different. It feels like the most natural thing to say in the world. No hesitation, no expectation, it is merely expression of the wonders of the friendship we have and how they mean to me.

 

And siguro, yun ang gusto ko. Ayokong maghesitate to say “I love you” to a person I love. Because one thing I learned from some experiences I had is that: if you can’t admit to yourself that you love that person, even if you do, you don’t. Hesitation, expectation, they all are hindrances towards love that is selfless and real.

 

Alam kong mahirap na magmahal ng kaibigan/kabarkada in that way (I’m not saying yun ang nararamdaman ko ngayon ah! =)) ), kasi kumplikado yan. Dadating pa yan sa point na baka magulo ang buong friendship niyo at yada-yada. Pero then again, what is love without risk? It all comes to that: taking a giant leap and hoping to fall into the arms of the right person.

 

So ang conclusion talaga nitong lahat ay: ayoko nang magsimula sa “prospect”. Gusto ko, kung maiinlove man, unexpected na lang within our friendship. Increased selfishness will follow after (it’s inevitable) but I guess the initial selflessness you have for this person might cancel it out. Expectations… well siguro mageexpect ka na lang kapag nasa relationship na kayo, kung wala pa, malamang alam mo na kung anong ieexpect mo =)) (magkaibigan kayo eh, dapat kilala mo na siya).

 

 

Cheers to those who dance to the melodies of the world’s romance. 

Hindi ka maliligtas ni Kapitan Sino. (blog entry)

Tatlong araw pa lang ang nakalilipas bago nagsimula ang second semester. At alam niyo, more than ever in my life, ngayon ko lang ulit naramdaman na kilala ko kung sino ako. (at nakarealize din ako ng mga bagay-bagay :)) )

It's easy to lose yourself in a crowd you keep trying to fit in to. 

Ewan ko, kung sadyang hipster lang talaga at nonconformist ako, pero napansin ko talaga (not limited to myself) na madali palang mawala. The more you try to instantly change for what you think is 'better', it will probably bite you back. Actually, I don't think that the word 'change' should be the one used to refer to one's personality, i think 'growth' is better. Know who you are, even the bad things about you--because you can never change right away. You can grow slowly but never force yourself into being someone you really aren't.

Recently, I noticed that I've been trying to fit in to groups of people (that I perhaps envy or feel like I want to be). Siguro yung mga tipong "I want to feel loved" group or like "I want to be taken care of" group. I am a strong person--I know that. I like taking care of people, I like making people feel loved. Sometimes, it gets tiring. And sometimes, I just want to take a break (yung parang ako naman ang pasayahin niyo =)) ). And I guess, the feelings like these just built up recently (mga 12+ years na rin).

Well tao din naman ako, napapagod. 

Pero, lalo akong nawala eh. The more I tried to look for affection and attention by acting and eventually becoming 'weak', the more I lost myself and what I was looking for. Hindi bagay sa akin ang nag-eemo oras-oras. Hindi bagay sa akin yung iyak nang iyak. (Cool kasi ako =)) ) Ako dapat yung madadapa nang onti, iiyak nang onti sa mga mahal kong kaibigan, hihinga nang malalim tapos dapat okay na (grabe nagka 3 month depression ata ako). Fight lang. Yun ako. 

Pagpasok ko nang college, sabi ko sa sarili ko, maglay-low na lang. Ayokong ma-notice ng mga tao. Ayokong magtake ng responsibility. Pero nang tumagal, hindi ko rin naiwasan yung mga bagay na gusto ko gawin (ang excuse ko lang naman ay kasi nakakapagod na). Edi nagtake na ko ng responsibility pero hindi pa rin nawala yung mentality na "pagod na ako. I want something in return" na feeling. I looked for attention/affection, I guess. Tipong dapat may kapalit tong ginagawa ko. Maybe to find someone I can confide to and just be 'weak' to that person. And just my luck, it was a wrong person. (Isa sa mga rule ko sa buhay ay hindi magtiwala nang lubusan kaagad) I wanted to become weak, just so i could feel what it was like to be comforted or to have someone 'strong' carry me. And lo, when those people hurt my trust, i just really lost myself. Acting weak, eventually came to 'I became weak.' 

Gusto ko lang kumapit somewhere. Because I lost myself while trying to 'get' things that were not meant for me. Naging greedy siguro ako.

Nabasa ko yung sinulat ko sa isa sa mga notebook ko. Ang sabi ko:

"Sanay ako nang mag-isa. Mas gusto ko na mag-isa akong nagtatrabaho. Hindi madalas ang pagtitiwala ko sa tao at sa pag-asa ko sa mga tao."

--> Yan yung ako na ginusto kong itapon. Kasi yang mga traits na yan ang nagpapahirap sa akin. Pero alam niyo, nung nawala yan, mas nawala ako. =)) 

Nakasulat dun sa notebook na yun na: "Ako yung tipo ng tao na ibibigay ko ang lahat na makakaya ko sa mga taong mahal ko na kahit walang kapalit." (siguro kahit hindi pantay yung kapalit =)) ) Love is manifested in many ways. I tried to grasp a manifestation (or manifestations) that looked inviting but wasn't meant for me. Yung love na para sa akin (well so far) ay yung kahit malayo sila, or kahit hindi ko sila kasama, mahal pa rin ako. :)) The love that transcends space and time. It's not always physically and obviously there, but yung tipo na alam sa puso at kaluluwa na minamahal ka.=)) Yun yung sa akin. Masarap ang feeling. (at mas masarap yung feeling na hindi ka na naghahangad nang iba pa.)

Kahit papaano, ang layo na rin pala.

Gumising ako ngayong umaga. Medyo kakaiba yung pakiramdam. Yung tipong isa sa mga umaga na alam kong may maiisip akong ikatutuwa ko kapag nagtagal pa akong magmuni-muni sa kama. Masarap ang gising ko. (kahit ala-una ako natulog at nakarinig ako ng alitan ng aking mga magulang kanina)

Nag-isip ako. Nagdasal ako. 

Salamat sa umaga na ito. Nagising ulit ako. Gabayan Niyo po sana ako sa araw na ito at ang lahat ng mga kaibigan ko. Sana walang masamang mangyari sa kanila at isinasainyo ko na po ang kapalaran namin. God bless us all. 

Nakahiga't nag-iisip. Napalingon ako sa lahat ng pinagdaanan ko (nanaginip na naman ako tungkol sa mga tao sa aking kahapon).

Napaisip ako: Ang layo na pala nang narating ko. 

Hindi naman sa nagyayabang ako. Kumpara sa ibang tao, tiyak na mas malayo ang narating nila. Pero para sa akin at sa mga sitwasyon ko, kahit papaano, malayo-layo na 'tong narating ko sa buhay. 

Iskolar na nga pala ako ngayon sa Ateneo (isa sa mga pinakatanyag na unibersidad sa bansa). Kahit papaano, maganda pa rin naman ang mga marka ko. Naging valedictorian pala ako nung High school (sa CMSHS, na sinasabing maraming matatalinong bata ng Mandaluyong ang nag-aaral doon). May isang kahon din ako ng mga medalya at certificate mula noong High school. Sumali nga pala ako ng mga kumpetisyon noon. Science, English, ang karamihan, (di ako mahilig sa math).

Kahit papaano, maipagmamalaki ko na ang mga 'yan. Bunga 'yan ng sariling sikap ko at bukal-sa-loob na pagtulong ng mga tao sa paligid ko. 

Alam niyo ba, na ni isang beses, hindi pumunta ang mga magulang ko sa mga kumpetisyong sinalihan ko? (kung nananalo man, laging guro ang nagsasabit ng medalya) Hindi na rin nila ako pinakialaman sa pag-aaral ko pagdating ng ikaapat na baitang ng elementarya. Tagatingin na lang sila ng mga marka (at pati ang report card ko, ako na rin ang kumuha). Sa totoo lang, noong elementarya, hindi sumagi sa isipan ko na "matalino" pala ako. Hindi ko pinangarap na maging valedictorian o maging iskolar. Hindi masyadong maganda ang suporta ng mga magulang ko (kung sa pag-aaral). 

Dumating din ang punto noong nasa ikalimang baitang ako na "nakalimutan" akong sunduin. Private school kasi, bawal lumabas nang basta-basta ang mga bata. Naghintay ako hanggang alas-siete ng gabi sa may gate ng paaralan namin, kasama ang security guard, umiiyak, nagdadasal na sunduin na ako. Umalis na kasi yung ibang mga bata, ako na lang ata hindi nasusundo. Masakit. Dumating ang tatay ko, nagsorry siya, sabi niya dumaan muna raw siya sa bahay tapos naalala niya na hindi niya pa ko nasusundo. (Hanep, di ba?) Pagkatapos ng insidente na iyon, natuto akong magcommute mag-isa. Ayoko ang pakiramdam na naghihintay na lang ako ng tulong at wala na kong kayang gawin. Inasikaso ko yung commuter's pass ko, para palabasin ako ng guard. Pagdating ng grade 6, tuwing may meeting ako sa Student Council na ginagabi, ako na mag-isa ang umuuwi. Para sa isang bata sa isang private school para sa mga babae, malaking bagay na marunong kang magcommute mag-isa (namangha ang mga kaklase ko noong nalaman nila, mayayaman kasi karaniwan ang mga estudyante doon). Hindi naman umalma ang mga magulang ko, alam siguro nila na kaya ko ang sarili ko. 

(pero hanggang ngayon, si Abby na grade six na, hindi pa rin nila pinapayagan. ano kayang ibig sabihin nun?)

Bumalik tayo, hindi masyadong maganda ang suporta ng magulang ko sa paaralan, basta pumasa, ayos lang. Walang pressure, naiintindihan ko, pero kahit paano sana nakita nila na kaya ko (kung hindi siguro ako pumasok sa MandSci, na academic-oriented, hindi ko siguro mararating to). Pagtungtong ng high school, dalawang libro lang ang binili nila para sa akin (nakakainggit sa mga kaklase ko, na kahit second-hand na libro sa biology, zoology, chemistry at physics talagang ibinibigay ng mga magulang nila, kumikirot sa puso pero ayos lang, nag-aral na lang ako sa internet, at sa mga hiram na libro galing sa mga guro ko. Naging Best in Biology, Botany, Chemistry, Earth Science, English naman ako.). Kahit hanggang ngayon naman, ako pa rin bumibili ng mga libro ko sa kolehiyo (maraming magagandang loob na nagbibigay ng scholarship). Halos wala na silang binabayaran para sa pag-aaral ko. 

Hindi ko rin naman siguro masisisi ang magulang ko. Mula naman sa umpisa, hindi masyadong academic-oriented ang mga Moreno at Suarez. Madalang lang na may makatapos ng kolehiyo. Hindi naman kami galing sa mayayaman na pamilya. Kaya naman, kahit makatungtong o matapos mo ang kolehiyo, malaking bagay na. Kaya siguro hindi masyadong napapansin ang pagsuporta sa pag-aaral kasi sa pagpapaaral pa lang mismo, nahihirapan na kami. Pinaghirapan ng mga magulang ko na pag-aralin kami sa mga pribadong paaralan. Mahal ang tuition fee sa St. Paul Pasig at sa Lourdes School of Mandaluyong (sabay kami ng kuya ko). Noong nag-aral na rin si Abby, naisip ko na hindi kakayanin na mag-aral kaming tatlo sa mga pribadong paaralan. Nagpublic-science high school ako. At least doon, walang bayad. (Nanibago ako, sobrang dumi, luma ng gamit, kulang ng staff. Doon ako natuto magfloorwax, magwalis, maglinis ng electric fan. Nakaka-down-to-earth ang experience. Doon ko nalaman na ang telepono, niloloadan, na may mga pamilya talagang nagbubugbugan, na may nakatira talaga sa ganoong bahay. Mas naging tao ako sa MandSci.)

Kung iisipin, malayo na rin ang narating ng nanay ko. Sa siyam na magkakapatid, siya lang ang nakatapos ng kolehiyo. Sabi ng lolo ko sa kanya, hindi na siya kayang pag-aralin. Hindi nawalan ng pag-asa ang nanay ko. Nagworking-student siya sa Maynila (kahit taga-Pampanga talaga sila). Nagtrabaho siya sa National Bookstore kapag may araw pa, babalik siya para mag-aral sa PUP nang gabi. Iginapang niya yung diploma niya. Hindi gaanong mataas ang mga marka niya noon (mahirap mag-aral nang pagod) pero at least, nakapagtapos siya. At nasaan na nga ba siya ngayon? Isang mataas na officer sa HSBC (isang international na bangko) at ka-level niya na ang mga Trust Officer sa bansa (nakapasa siya sa interview ng Standard Charters). 

Hindi nakapagtapos ng kolehiyo ang tatay ko. Sa katunayan, hindi ko talaga alam kung anong nangyari sa kanya kasi alam ng karamihan na matalino siya. Shift ata nang shift ang tatay ko. Alam kong Business Administration siya, na naging Accounting, na naging ECE. Dapat ata ggraduate na siya, kaso pinabugbog ata ng barkada niya yung isang ROTC officer na pinahirapan sila. (O diba? May pinagmanahan 'tong kaangasan ko) Ayun, hindi niya hinintay. Nagtrabaho na lang siya kaagad. 

Hmmm. So ayun. 

Siguro para sa isang batang hindi masyadong nasubaybayan sa paaralan, na nanggaling sa pamilyang hirap sa pagpapaaral, malayo na nga ang narating ko. 

Napapaisip ako: paano kung hindi ako nakapag-entrance-test ng MandSci? Paano kung sinubaybayan nga nang mabuti yung pag-aaral ko? Paano kung nagloko na lang ako? Paano kung nagdrugs/nanigarilyo/nag-inom/nanglalaki na lang ako (kapag nasa isang pampublikong paaralan ka, hindi malayong mangyari sa iyo ang ilan dyan)? 

It's wonderful to think how our lives are held together by such intricate details--the small choices we make, the people around us, the waking-ups and all the other elements of our day-to-day lives. There are so many ifs and maybes to be thought about. 

Aaminin ko sa inyo, hindi naging madali para marating ko 'to. Apat ang nunal ko sa balikat (tag dalawa sa bawat balikat), sabi nila, ibigsabihin daw noon, lahat daw ng pasanin sa mundo bubuhatin ko. Marami akong pinagdaanan, mga pre. Pero para sa mga umaga na ganito, ang sarap isipin na buhay ako ngayon at napagdaanan ko sila. 

Ang galing ni Lord! (Wooooooooooooooooooo! Idol! Maraming salamat! Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko kung wala po Kayo. Sa mga oras na pagod na ako at gusto ko na talagang mamatay, sa Inyo lang po ako kumuha ng lakas para gumising ulit. Salamat na hindi ako naging addict sa kanto o kaya tambay o kaya salamat na nakatungtong ako sa kolehiyo.)

Hindi sa malayo na ang narating ko, pero malayo na kung saan Niyo po ako dinala. Salamat. Sana po dalhin Niyo lang ako, tingnan po natin kung hanggang saan ko po kayang sumunod sa Inyo. Ayoko pong bumitaw. 

Maraming salamat. Ang sarap ng gising ko sa umaga na ito. :)

Sentiments of a Patched-Up Rag Doll

Sentiments of a Patched-Up Rag Doll

My name is Anna and I live in the Toy Orphanage. I live here with all the other toys, there are a lot of us here. Here, we, toys, have a home. The children visit everyday and the faces always change, so almost all of us get to be played with. And when a child likes you that much, you can get adopted and return home with them. It’s pretty magical, the leaving toys say. They always narrate that there’s a special connection, sort of spark that happens and then, you just know.

The pretty and neat toys are lucky. They always get to leave the orphanage first. Patched-up toys like me aren’t so lucky.

The brown yarn hair on my soft head has thinned out already. My limbs have been torn a few times and the dark-colored stitches have become too loose. I’ve lost a lot of fluff from those accidents too. The mismatched buttons I have as eyes have gotten loose. I’ve been washed so many times that my dress has gone a tad bit lighter. I look like a stitch short of a mess. I don’t mind, I’m still smiling, aren’t I?

The children don’t see much of my smile though, even though I put a lot of effort into it. No one wants to play with broken toys. Broken toys don’t last long. Children are afraid of breaking them. If they do, they’d feel bad about themselves and be obligated to fix them. No one likes that. Broken toys only catch attention and pique curiosity (and maybe a little sympathy): I wonder where she got that stitch from? What happened to you? I wonder why her leg is so loose… They all wonder why and how I got so broken. Sometimes they try to consider whether or not they can fix me. Most leave. And again, I am left alone—held together by a few stitches.

Most of the toys I arrived with here already left—they were adopted. I don’t think any of the children coming here would care to adopt me. I’m far too broken to be played with. I need too much fixing.

Sometimes I wish someone would just throw me into the fire. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. It will all end eventually. Or maybe the Toymaker could take me back, take me apart and make something new out of me. Maybe a glove, a bag—anything that wouldn’t require stitching a smile on a face.  

 

At Mornings Like These.

It’s a new morning, yes. I love mornings. I love the smell of breakfasts. I love how sunlight slowly creeps through the trees and branches near our house. It’s a constant feeling of renewal—that I could do something good today, live far from yesterday and to look forward to tomorrow.

Yes, I do love mornings.

But I do hate waking up alone in an empty house.

(It breaks my heart to know that no one even bothers to tell me that they’re leaving. They just leave; lock the front door and let me find out for myself. But they do leave breakfast out for me, that’s nice.)

It’s just when I’m home alone like this, I can’t help but to think that no one’s gonna come back. How miserable it would be, to stay in a house and wait for someone to go home to you, but never will.

*Sigh, family issues.

The silence is deafening. I plan to watch anime after writing this, just to drown it out. I’m scared. 

What I'm Waiting/Looking For

People often have ideas on what kind of Love they’re waiting/looking for. Other people say that they want someone who would stand by them through thick and thin, someone who would be their partner in life, facing challenges together. Some people say someone they could watch the stars with. Others still, would say someone who can see right through them. I could go on forever about what people say about Love, but, hey, what’s Hollywood for then? :))

We all have our different ideas on love, different expectations, different people we’re waiting or looking for.

 As for me, what am I looking for?

I’m not the type to want being tied down to something. Okay, maybe I have commitment issues. (I can see myself in a relationship, yes, but just not now.) Right now, the idea on the matter is: I want someone who would allow me to have my own adventures. I want to see the world through my eyes and taste it as it is. And, that person, I will allow him to do the same. I don’t want to be with him all the hours of the day.

 We’ll have our own adventures.

But, every night, when it is time for rest, I want to go home to a person. And I want that person to go home to me too. I want us to talk to each other and tell each other stories of what happened during the day. I can see myself going: Amazing! or like: Too bad. And he can say the same to my stories. I’ll laugh over dinner and a joke he thought of earlier today. I’d cry and he’d hug me tight (I can do the same). He’d get upset at me but can’t stay mad too long. A home.

And before going to bed, he’d hold my hand, just to let me know that he’d be there in the morning (I hate waking up to an empty house). And when I do wake up (I presume I’d wake up earlier than him), I’ll stroke his hair and admire his face, the man I love. I’ll get up, get ready for another day, with new adventures and new challenges, knowing that I can come home to this person.

And no matter how badly the world treats me, whatever the insignificant people think of me, I wouldn’t care, because I know I have a home I can go home to. 

In Memory of Pedro by Abba Moreno

In Memory of Pedro

By: Abba Marie Moreno

 

Pedro was a valiant knight;

he fought his last battle well.

 

I can still smell the sweet summer

evening I entrusted him to you,

a gift for our first anniversary

(with a bouquet of lipstick-red roses).

Your eyes spelled out burning infatuation

and poured out cold droplets of joy.

I kissed you amidst the candlelit glow

of the planned perfection for the evening.

We were so in love.

You asked me why I gave you a teddy bear:

to keep the monsters away while you sleep.

(You thought it sweet, I was jesting.)

You blushed a little and smiled radiantly.

(Ah, I never forgot that candlelight smile of yours.)

You made an eager promise to keep

the stuffed bear by your bed each night.

                                    You were so in love.

Let’s name him: Pedro.

 

A man once told me

that the hardest things to let go of

were the things you never really had.

We weren’t as in too deep as we thought, Mary.

I was in love with the perfection that was us.

You were in love with an image in the mirror

that you thought that was me.

We had to end it.

 

But I never understood why

you had to involve Pedro with ‘us’.

I raced towards your apartment

after the phone call from your sobbing mother.

It was a dreary day drenched in October showers.

Her trembling finger pointed towards your bedroom

(I retraced my steps from the nights I spent over).

I saw your lifeless form bent crookedly on the floor

and sprawled on a pool of your once-precious blood.

You put a bag over your head and cut your throat.

The mirror read: I don’t want you to see me like this.

(All you are now is a candlelight smile.)

 

The room was a magnificent mess:

embellished with the torn sheets and ripped curtains

adorned with walls that bled curses in lipstick

and sprinkled with shards of colored glass and porcelain.

(I’ve always disliked your unkemptness.)

My eyes examined the room and

I saw Pedro decapitated,

bleeding of polyester

from scissors-stab-wounds

you inflicted. I guess,

he couldn’t protect himself

from the creatures underneath your bed

or save you from the monsters inside your head.

 

Rest in peace.

 

 

 

Sixth on Seventh Street by Abba Marie Moreno (Poem, to be edited)

Sixth on Seventh Street

By Abba Marie Moreno

 

The café is always open

for patient souls like mine.

I sit on this reserved

table for two, alone

with the full moon

watching over

the untouched cup

of hazelnut coffee you like so much.

It’s getting cold.

(You never show up.)

 

The clock strikes ten,

it is time

for me to wait

under the sixth lamppost

of Seventh street in

Whitechapel.

We met there last night, didn’t we?

Perhaps, you remembered,

I remember, I remember so well

that I can almost—

   hear your humming hair

     sing with the nocturne breeze,

       taste your sweet sweet voice

         screaming of raw pleasure

           from the thrilling games we play.

          (Remember, we played Surgeon,

And I put my hand in your—

 

(The click-clacks

of your high heels

are beckoning me.)

Here you come.

 

 

Why can I smell such fear

from your bright blue eyes?
Can’t you remember, Victoria,

all the good times we had?

Our nights? Our kisses? Our love?

You aren’t Victoria?

(And you say your name is Mary)

Deny yourself not—to me.

Remember, the divine being you are.

Or remember me, at least.

 

 

Perhaps, if I kiss you,

you might remember,

just like in fairytales,

and finally fear will vanish

from your soft eyes

and your trembling lips.

 

Just let me get a little closer.

 

Don’t scream, woman!

Mellifluous voices such as yours

should not make awful shrieking sounds.

Stay calm. The world is empty,

‘cept for you and me—

 

 

 

—and this knife.

Don’t worry, I can protect you.

There is no reason to escape.

Stop resisting!

Perhaps a little pain

will catch your   /attention;

like we do, as always.

You know, I never enjoy

hurting you like this, Victoria,

it’s just that

            you never learn.

What? You’re crying?

I’ve always told you that

I hate seeing you sad.

Stop it, Victoria, it’s killing me.

Smile, Victoria.

It’s torture, Victoria.

Stop crying, please.

Please, it’s hurting me.

Please,

don’t make me do this.

Stop your wailing, bitch!

 

---

(from left to right)

 

 

My light, my love,

What have I done?

Your beautiful smooth neck,

I’ve ruined it (No, the knife did!).

This flowing stream of warm rubies

dripping from your open throat

will always haunt me.

It was your fault, Victoria.

You made me do it.

Now, the fool moon has

witnessed this tragedy,

And this Romeo has lost

his beloved Juliet.

Perhaps I should follow you

into the valley of death;

then forever, we shall be together.

Your hair, your skin, I shall miss them.

Your face, your legs, your neck,

Your lips, your blood, your eyes—

 

Your eyes…

 

are blue.

Victoria’s eyes are as green as emeralds.

Ha! How could I have mistaken this wretch,

for my beloved, Victoria?

Sorry, Lady, honest mistake.

(I am quite unlucky,

this is the third time

this month.)

 

 

No matter, Victoria,

I can always wait for you.

The café is always open

for patient souls like mine.