| Start: | Aug 15, '09 |
| Location: | I dont know yet. |
Polaroid One600 Ultra
ayun daw yung mga "specs" ko. the features that i possessed. pang-akit daw ng mga bibili sa akin. magdadalawang buwan na rin akong nakaupo sa isang storage room ng isang stall sa greenhills. Ang tagal na rin pala.
pinaulit-ulit ko sa aking sarili ang mga specs ko. great shots. great pictures. aba. ang galing ko naman pala. :)) ako ang magsisilbing instrumento sa pagpinta ng mga ngiti ng mga malulusog na bata sa mga birthday party, siguro mga kasal na napaka-sweet, mga graduation na nakakaiyak, at kung anu-ano pang mga okasyon na naririnig kong napakasaya para sa aming mga camera. excited na ako.
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bumukas na naman ang pinto ng storage room, nakita ko mula sa plastic sa aking kahon. Sana ako na ang piliin. Taimtim kong hinihiling. Kaso kinuha ni Jeff, yung bagong "helper", ang isang kahon ng isang digital camera. Umalis siya at sinarado ang pinto. Hayyyy.
"Ano ba Jeff?! Sabi camera, yung may nakikita kagad na picture!" sigaw na narinig ko, marahil tong anak ng may-ari, nagmamagaling na naman.
"Eh, sir, di ba digicam ganun rin yun?" Sagot ni Jeff.
"Bobo ka ba? Yung may lumalabas, na nakadevelop kagad. Yung Podaroyd." Asar na asar na sumagot si Melvin.
"Sir, POOLLLAARROIIDD, ang tawag dun. Sana po kasi linawin niyo sa susunod." Sagot naman ni Jeff na tila manununtok na. Naririnig ko ang mga tunog ng mga paang papalapit.
Naniniwala akong matalino si Jeff. Kawawa naman at inaalipusta siya. Pero, di ko na iisipin yun. POLAROID daw. ako yun! May bibili na sa akin! Ang tanging inisip ko.
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Isang lalaking, marahil 26 - 28 na taon ang tanda, nakasalamin at nakaputing polo ang may hawak ngayon ng paper bag kung saan ako naroon. Aba, ang ganda naman ng itsura ng lalaking to. Bata pa. Sana maraming gimik! Maraming outing. Maraming picture! Talagang excited na ako.
Umuwi kami sa apartment niya. Malinis. Maputi. Napakaganda ng mga furniture. May mga display ng mga robot at laruan. Isip bata siguro ito.
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Pagdating ng 10am kinabukasan, inalis niya ako sa kahon. Mabilis na binasa ang aking manual at ipinasok ako sa loob ng kanyang bag. Gagamitin na niya ako. Ang saya naman nito.
Pumunta kami sa isang maliit na building. Sumakay ng elevator. 3rd floor. Room 318. Opisina kaya niya ito? Ano kayang trabaho niya? Nakapolo siya muli.
Pumasok kami sa loob. ISANG STUDIO. Isang puting background, tapos may mga ilaw na nakatayo. Isa siyang photographer! Napakabait naman ng tadhana sa akin. Ako, na sabik na sabik magamit, ay magagamit na. Wala akong pakialam kahit masira ako, gusto ko lang makatulong sa kanya. Matupad ang mga pangarap kong magpinta ng mga ngiti.
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Mga ala-una, may kumatok sa aming pinto.
"Ako po 'yung model." mahinang sinabi ng dalaga. Aba, big-time naman nitong amo ko, mga model pala. akala ko pangkasal kasal at binyag. Hanep talaga!
Maganda ang dalaga. actually, mukha nga siyang dalagita e. Mga 16? Ninerbyos ata siya. Suklay nang suklay. Lingon ng lingon. Nanginginig.
"Marissa, sige pumunta ka muna doon sa may ilaw, gusto ko makita ang mukha mo sa ilalim ng ilaw." sabi ng aking amo.
Dali-daling pumunta ang dalaga, o dalagita, sa may background.
"Okay. Sige sige. Photogenic ka naman."
"Sige, maghubad ka na."
Di ako makapaniwala sa mga narinig kong salitang nagmula sa lalaking nagmamay-ari sa akin, sa lalaking aking hinangaan. Inilabas na niya ako at inilapag sa may mesa.
Tumunog ang kanyang cellphone, "Oo, ifa-fax ko sa'yo tong mga picture dito sa bagong recruit. [pause] Oo naman, batang bata pa."
Nakikita ng lens ko ang lahat, naririnig ko rin ang lahat. Ang taong ito, na walang ginawa kung hindi magkalat ng kalaswaan at karumihan, ay nagkaroon pa ng lakas ng loob na magpolo, magmukhang disente, magmukhang inosente.
Napuno ako ng poot sa puso ko, o kung ano man ang puso ng mga camera. Gagamitin pala ako sa ganitong paraan! Ako ang instrumento na hindi magpipinta ng mga ngiti ngunit ako ang nagtatanggal ng dignidad sa mga taong ito. Pinapababa ko sila. Ipinahihiya. Hindi ko inakala na pwede itong mangyari. Aabusuhin lang pala ako.
Naghubad ang dalagita. Nagpose. Nagpakita ng kababawan, ang mababang paglipad. Ngunit nakikita ng lens ko ang kanyang mga mata. Inosente, umiiyak at humihingi ng tulong. Kung ganoon ang nararamadaman niya, bakit niya kaya ginagawa ito? Para siyang tanga.
Hindi ko matiis na lumalabas sa akin ang mga litratong tulad ng mga ito. Malaswa. Marumi. Tukso. Kasalanan. Hindi ko masikmura itong lahat.
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Lumipas ang dalawang linggo, nagpatuloy ang pagpasok at paglabas ng mga "model" sa kanyang opisina. Mapa-dalagita, binata, o matatanda. Nandidiri na ako sa sarili ko.
Ika-dalawangpu't dalawa na itong "model" na ipininta ko. Tama na. Hindi ko na kaya ipagpatuloy ito. Ilang buhay na ba ang sinira ko? Ilang dignidad na ba ang ninakaw ko sa bawat litrato na aking kinukuha?
Isinara ko ang shutter ko. Hindi ko ito bubuksan. Bahala siya. Kailangan tumigil na ito.
"Sir, bakit, ano po bang problema?" tanong ng model.
"Ah eh, wala. Lagi kasing nagloloko ang mga Polaroid sa akin. Mukhang nagloloko na ito. Ewan ko ba, bakit parang hindi sila tumatagal sa akin, nakalimang Polaroid na ako sa 3 buwan. dalawang linggo pa lang ito sa akin, sira na ata. Sige, gamitin ko na lang yung digicam. Wag ka nang gumalaw." sagot ng lalaking may hawak ng Polaroid na camera.
Tiningnan niya ako. Tinitigan ako ng mga matang nag-eenjoy sa mga robot at laruan-- mga matang inosente--, ngunit hindi ko makalimutan na ang mga mata rin na iyon ay naghahanapbuhay sa karumihan. Puno ng awa ang kanyang mata. Sa sarili niya, sa akin o sa mga model? Tila kaming lahat ay dapat kaawaan ng Maykapal. Malambot ang kanyang mga mata. Nakakaginhawa.
Bang! Tumama ang Polaroid sa pader.
Sa segundong nahulog ito sa malamig na tiles ng sahig at nagkahiwa-hiwalay ang mga bahagi, lumabas ang isang litrato.
Ang mga camera ay inimbento upang maipakita sa atin ang ating mga ngiti, luha, itsura. Ang mga litrato ay tila Hardcopy ng salamin.
Ang litrato, na dapat salamin ng lalaking iyon, ay Itim lamang ang lumabas.
| Start: | Aug 2, '09 12:30p |
| End: | Aug 2, '09 6:30p |
| Location: | UP Diliman, NCPAG Building |
Hello. :) another formal blog here. di na masyadong emo or angry. :)) XXD
hay. recently. i was staring blank into space inside the classroom. [stare] the rays of sunshine illuminating half faces, desk arms and the blackboard. it was steaming hot inside the classroom. air wasnt going out. the trees were still. my english teacher spoke fluent english.
a thought occurred to me.
"THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME I SEE THIS SCENE." ---the class has been busy lately. assignments. groupworks. a ton of class works. :) puro practice kagad. tapos gumagawa na rin ng mga proyekto. it was like it was already the middle of the year. :|
pagkatapos ng UPCAT at ACET, wala na masyadong pagkakaabalahan. tuloy-tuloy na to.
tuloy-tuloy patungo?
patungo saan?
sa pagkakahiwalay?
sa pagkakalimutan?
saan?
thoughts were zooming inside my head. mam tirones kept glancing towards me. i seemed occupied. i was. :) i've already said to a lot of people that i'm tired of mandsci. that i really really really want to leave and go to college. but . . . when i noticed the scene i described earlier. i felt the gravity of what i said. did i really feel this way? yes i'm tired but, the scene, it was, if not beautiful, simply immaculate.
it's the first time i realized that this would be my LASTS in mandsci. i told Ate Iced Tea, that i'm graduating. she was like OO NGA. i grew up in her iced tea, though i dont always buy. :) nung first year ako, ayun. yun lang iniinom ko. :)) ngayon. medyo ganun ulit.
FOURTH YEAR NA PALA AKO. :)
havent really thought of it. i dont feel it. i dont feel old in school. i still imagine kuya paul's batch and everybody there. at the back of my head, i couldnt accept it. :)
like in my previous blog. Things are meant to pass away. it is because they are more valued that way.
i noticed that scene. if i was in my second year, i'd be like, wow that's cool. but now. it's more like: wow, will i ever see this again?
yes. my theory proved correct yet again. it's sorta sad but hey. i get to feel this sort of value.
we're in one big loom :)
and these are the details in the fabric.
Cold Hard Harsh Reality. well at least MY reality.
fudge. i was so furious this afternoon. well my classmates knew why. i shouldnt be mentioning names or whatever but i have my right to express this burden.
altruism --- a defense mechanism in which, when feeling strong emotion or stress, the person would obsessively help other people. :|
ako ba yun? am i like that? i like helping people.,i like stress <?> somehow. i love drama. i'm efficient and i dont ask questions. i dont say no for an answer--- to authorities of course.
alam ko. this is not a good attitude. you can blame my parents for that. i grew up. not to ask questions. just do what you're told. RESPECT in the highest meaning of the word. i didnt mind getting hurt. getting insulted. getting expected of. crying without anyone knowing [i cry, because i did not want to feel the destructive emotion of anger. but i guess my brother knew. but he never bothered to help me. i never bothered to help him. our parents controlled what needed be.]
i'm feeling little droplets of liquid in my eyes right now. [thanks louise :) ] i feel abused somehow. and "something" isnt right. i'm feeling deterioration. dont take it seriously, that's what you said, but i dont know. I CANT NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. para kong tanga to ponder about this. and somehow maybe i'll laugh about this in the future. but this is present pain. this is happening now. this is what i want to forget. this is why i write.
hindi lang tong incident na to ang dahilan. marami pa. i guess yun lang ang sindi ng dynamite ng lahat.[9:30pm]
[9:53pm]oh di ba. busy ako. :)) ayun. medyo okay na. [thanks louise ulit and paula D] somehow alam niya kung papano ako dapat i-handle. SIGH.
nawala na ang momentum ng galit at emosyon ko.
NAALALA KO BIGLA.
the thing that keeps me going.
[after being hurt by the people i love the most.]
is.... are..
MY FRIENDS. :]
[tears ulit--- 9:56pm]
[10pm] these people make everything feel better. :) [tumawag pa si rona] :D
siguro. i may be passive most of the time. busy. doesnt give a damn about anyone or anything as long as i finish what i'm working on. minsan nalilimutan kong mangamusta. or bumati ng birthday. or busy ako.
pero. i can tell you here. that when the time comes that you need me. and tell me what you need. i will be there for you. i know it's hard.that i should be the one approached. i'm selfish. i'm busy. i dont have time for you.
but the real friends i have. know that i'm just a girl. waiting to be bailed out of a well i fell in.
i treasure them the most :) if you dont feel the same way. i dont care. masaya ako kapag kasama ko kayo. if you leave me, fine. i can live with the fact that you people were the reason that i kept going on. but can you?
i love you guys. :) thanks so much. nasira ang essence ng angry blog. naging emo. :)) at nostalgic.
Okay. i had the best dream ever.
i was with friends in my dream. the only person i remember that was part of the group was John Ray. Anyway, we like won this thing-urhm-ticket to see Panic At The Disco because they were in the Philippines.
We, the friends i was with, entered the room where the band members were. it seemed all sooo vivid. Velvet red curtains, rugs and even the door! :D The band members were sitting there looking bored (one was sleeping i think :)) ). Brendon Urie was the first person i saw. He was sitting down on a couch near the door. He stared at me with wide eyes.
In my dream, we were like: OMG! PANIC! I LOVE YOU GUYS! ROCK ON! [in total awe of the coolness of our luck] but they seemed indifferent about it.
SUDDENLY THE ATMOSPHERE CHANGED.
The white light from the flourescent lightings became red <i have no idea how and why>. And all i could see was Brendon. I did not notice JR and the others; not that they left or anything, i just couldn't notice 'cause i was so taken by Brendon. He stood up from the couch, i was in front of him. I tripped, i held on to his shirt and we fell on the velvet rugged floor. He fell on top of me [ not a very decent scene to be in! >.< ] I could feel his warmth, his breaths. He looked at me with his eyes that told me he liked me. He smiled. He got up and helped me get up too. The light was red; i could feel the intensity of the moment. I could feel his warm touch as he suddenly hugged me. He stared at me with those fiery eyes. We were inches apart.
I blurted out: "Are you trying to copy the thing in Get Smart?" <the flirting thing>
He didn't take his eyes off me. He smiled once more. I sorta melted and he drew closer. I believe he was about to kiss me, and i was about to give in! It was like a driving force to get nearer to this person. Fortunately, i got back into my senses and instead, placed my head on his left shoulder. [i cant believe i almost kissed this guy! i thought.] I expected utter defeat in his actions since i hesitated [it was like total KJ moment :)) ]. But you know what? He hugged me tighter; his hands now at the back of my head. He closed his eyes and kissed me on my forehead [like a dad would do].
THOUGH SAYING: You did the right thing by not kissing me.
i totally melted. it felt really good. it was not lust but father-like love. I felt so loved at that moment. So understood, so accepted. We broke off the hug.
Music suddenly played. He told me we should dance before i left. I placed my hands on his hips [no fat at all!] and i told him to put his hands on my shoulders [i think it's the other way around :)) ] He smiled at me again. We swayed to the music, it wasnt really dancing. He smiled, and asked my if this was really dancing. I told him, it doesnt matter :)) so we "danced" the night away. :D
The following day i went back to the place to say goodbye to him [i reckon they were leaving]. I couldnt reach him. He was on top of the building. There was a large crowd on the street; but all i could hear was his voice. He yelled [these are not the exact words but that's the thought]: We cant be together! You were great/spectacular. But here, i wrote a song for you.
the crowd was noisy but again, i only hear his voice.
he sang: "She was < a word synonymous to great or magnificent >..." his voice was so heavenly. :)
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I WOKE UP. It was a totally awesome dream. mixed emotion about stuff. (please dont think i made this up, i really dreamt it.) the first thought that occurred to me was:
they say dreams are messages from God. Is Brendon here, a symbol for a guy i'll meet or have met? IS MY PRINCE CHARMING COMING TO GET ME?
i wrote about it because i did not want to forget this dream. it was truly wonderful; and it seemed so real (though impossible), i really felt i was there. I couldnt describe it like this if i didnt, can i? :)) anyway, hoped you enjoyed it. :D
