Amazing, how much I haven't changed yet I learn so much (I guess yung change). Siyempre, hanggang ngayon, problema pamily + lovelife. Hasn't really changed, i guess my fault. Di ako nagbabago eh. Pero in fairness ah, tintry ko naman magbago, ayaw lang talaga. Masakit. Oh well, that's life. :))
May mga bagay akong natutunan ngayon ngayon lang! (Mga bagay na hindi ko talaga naisip dati at naisip ko pero di ko inakalang totoo).
1. Numero uno: There will be people out to test your patience and even if they go too far, you just have to extend your patience.
-Hmm. Siyempre matagal ko nang alam na may mga taong nabuhay para mang-irita (lolOA =)) ) Mahaba rin ang pasensya ko at bihira akong mapuno. Kaya kapag napupuno ako, go lang. i'll be frank and address the issue. Ngayon ko lang naexperience na ganito, na magtimpi, kahit lagpas-lagpas na. May mga taong hindi kayang ma-take ang sasabihin ko sa kanila (matagal ko nang alam yan) pero this time, i actually care about their feelings. Siguro ang consequence ng first realization is that: inevitably, people you care about will hurt you at times, but you should remember to check their intentions (if you know they care and it was unintentional, you know what to do).
2. You can't expect people to act the way you want them to. (small scale actions)
--So far naman kasi, I get what I want. When i want people to apologize, they do. If i want to piss them off, i piss them off. Idk, manipulative person nga pala ako. Hahha. Ngayon kaya? Err ewan, basta itong no. 2. dapat mas specific, dapat ito ata: You can't expect the people you care about to act the way you want them to. Kahit may pakialam ka sa kanila, di ka pa rin sila. Disappointing, siyempre, lalo na sa akin, matagal-tagal bago ako magtrust ng tao. Bago ako magcare nang bongga sa kanila. Siyempre, marami akong drama sa mundo (sa bahay, sa lahat), masakit talaga sa akin. Matagal ko nang iniisip na magpaka-antisocial. Okay, joke lang, hindi naman. =)) Matagal ko nang naiisip na ayoko nang magtrust ng tao, pero hindi anti-social ah. I open up my heart to a few. It's just a bit disappointing that those I don't open up my heart to are the ones who care more (or care effectively). Sigh. Naguiguilty lang ako, andaming nagccare sa akin but I remain closed to them. :/ Idk, they don't know me that much but they care, is this a sign of genuine concern or is it naive concern?
3. Ang galing ni Jason Mraz. (siyempre matagal ko nang alam yan, gusto ko lang sabihin ulit.)
--Astig pare. He snapped me out of all the drama. Shet. From HS to college, ikaw pa rin. <:
4. It will get harder and harder for you to trust.
--Naisip ko na ba to dati? Hindi ata eh. Naisip ko lang dati: It's hard for me to trust. Akala ko stagnant lang yun. Mag-iincrease pala ang intensity. Sorry na, ngayon ko lang naisip eh. I will get hurt, no matter what. Kahit gaanong pagprevent ang gawin ko. Mangyayari yun. Bv lang kasi ayokong nasasaktan. Masyado na akong maraming self-inflicted emotional damage at past drama, ayoko na may mga dumagdag. Ang defense mechanism ko siguro ay yung hindi pagtrust sa more people. I have a selected few right now. But then who's to say they won't hurt me either? Hmm. I wouldn't know. Pero kahit papaano, masarap mag-open up. Masarap magkuwento. Masarap ng nasshare ang happiness at may nakikihati sa pain. Which one should I go for?
5. No matter how good you think you are or you can be the world isn't interested in you.
--honestly, di ko naisip na masisikmura ko na to. Akala ko if you just believe and shit, things will come. Pero it doesn't look like it anymore. You have to keep up with the world if you want it to notice you. You have to change if you want to please.
6. (siyempre dahil sa number five, naisip ko na...) Why should you care about the world?
--if the change is drastic and is for the worse, it's not worth it. If it causes you pain, it's not worth it. And well, the world is temporary. What's important is what's on the other side. I just have to bank on that. I guess this means that i'm gonna cut down on the things i care about here. Hahahaha. Too bad.
Romanticism < Realism
The world is fucked up. It's fucking you and screwing with your head.
^Okay, masyado namang bitter to for me. =)) Well, it's partly true. Siguro dahil mainit lang ang dugo ko kaya nasasabi ko yan. I still have that bad temper. I hate getting angry. Wag kasing ubusin ang pasensya ko eh. Although yeah, feeling ngayon ko lang natitikman ang realism. I was always a romantic, you see. Ganito pala. Nakakainis. Nakakabv. Andami kong depressions before, yes. Pero, ako naman ang may problema nun eh, ayoko rin sa kanila at OA ako, dito, hindi ako OA, i actually think na matinu-tino ang kinikilos ko sa mga taong ito at binigay ko lahat ng kaya ko. ganito pala.
Although, may mga tao pa rin naman na napagkakatiwalaan ko. mga taong nakakakilala sa akin, lalo na ang lahat ng masama sa akin na hindi nakikita ng lahat. Tanggap nila na iyakin ako. Tanggap nila na masama ako magalit. Tanggap nila na iniisip ko (dati?) na kaya kong pabagsakin ang sinumang humarang sa akin. Tanggap nilang kailangan ko sila para baguhin ako. The realist world is testing me to untrust these people. The romantic world is testing me to keep on trusting them and look forward to new ones who are willing.
Saan ba ako masaya?
Sino ba ang mga taong nagpapasaya sa akin?
Napapasaya ko ba sila?
Bakit nila ako sinasaktan?
Bakit ko sila sinasaktan?
Bakit ganito ang mga iniisip ko?
Bakit ko sila sinasaktan?
Bakit ganito ang mga iniisip ko?
I am an intellectual, I refuse to succumb to my emotions (regardless of how much power they have on me). Everything will be better in the morning. Mag-isa man or may kasama, i'll be fine. I know God is with me. Perhaps nagsusulat lang ako ng ganito para mawala na to. Log din. :)) Things happen for a reason.
whether or not i'm a romantic or a realist now. The hell with that. =))
Kung may nagtiyaga mang magbasa nito. Thanks. It means a lot to me. Kahit papano nashare mo tong emosyon ko. :)) Kahit di ko alam kung sino ka. Sana hindi masyadong mabigat. Sana natuto ka. Alam ko natuto ako.
Truth of the matter is, this world is just unforgiving.
ReplyDeleteStep too close to it and it will eat you up and spit you out with your internal organs in the wrong places then pelt you with enough ammo belts to make the US military jealous. Step too far and it will ridicule you for not being in the circle of things going on and give you countless insulting nicknames enough to fill a dictionary which they use to throw at you from the distance of where they are towards with perfect accuracy disregarding the laws of physics.
Took me a year to realize that absurd but true fact and that I cannot simply keep my mind closed to the world.
It's that simple lesson in observing my surroundings that turned most of me into a realist. And that same thought train actually taught me one of the most important lessons that I ever learned. Don't ever give your full 100% trust even to yourself. It's basically having a fun time with the people around you, while keeping a handgun aimed at their crotch in the off chance that they do something stupid or something that is completely out of line and having an explosive collar strapped to your neck at the same time.
The reason for that explosive collar is the fact that even I suffer from emotional distress that gets in the way of my normally dead serious or sarcastic demeanor which normally chooses what is real over what is ideal. And one thing that I found that helps to alleviate that stress is actually the sabaw aspect of my personality. I wasn't actually that random or souped in the head in the past since I had other outlets for them. (e.g. multiply blogs, serious academics, and people whom I could talk to about it.) It's a way for me to cope with the stress that builds up in my head due to my rejection of my emotions by turning the ensuing insanity of the need to comprehend and understand the current information overload brought about my emotions into insanity in the form of random over-the-top comments and pseudo-philosophical mayhem which calms my head down and directs my attention to other things.
And one of the most important lessons that I ever learned from all of this thinking that spanned through most of my high school, it's pointless to get angry. I've looked back at the times when I got angry and I find that they are absolutely pointless as they brought about nothing good for me. They only clouded my correct sense of judgement and in the end led me to hurt a lot of people. An entire class all in one night actually. =)) And back-tracking on that, I found that it was because of a side of me that always tries to seek the most ideal and if possible, most perfect out of everything which was actually what was driving my opinions about the need to always attempt to get high scores or perfect everything in the past. It was basically a side driven by the emotional need to see everything in the correct order which I think you've seen the last time my blood boiled in Schmitt. :))
In the end though I found that there is no point in trying to seek the complete correctness and everything to be right in the world as it was simply not designed for that. The world is mean't to be flawed and so are we. And we just hurt ourselves every time we try to envision what should be and then see the results after. So better leave it at that and just strive to make the best out of everything even if the best means that you only get a 10% return on it. And as my dad always tells me, aim for an A. So that in case you falter you can always get the next best thing which is a B+. Of course that statement was said in Filipino and I only translated it for consistency with the language of my comment. :))
Oh yeah, if you're wondering why I'm here, I needed a break from studying Quanti at 3 am in the morning and I was going through my old multiply blog entries. Your post reminded me of how screwed up my head was back then which was reflected in my blogs. :))
:)
ReplyDeleteAmen to that! :)
ReplyDelete(honestly, ngayon na lang din ako ulit nag-open ng Multiply account ko, ever since I started using WordPress. I always liked reading your posts, whenever I get the time.)
Thanks joshua. :) >:D
ReplyDelete