Cold Hard Harsh, Reality.

Cold Hard Harsh Reality. well at least MY reality.

fudge. i was so furious this afternoon. well my classmates knew why. i shouldnt be mentioning names or whatever but i have my right to express this burden.

altruism --- a defense mechanism in which, when feeling strong emotion or stress, the person would obsessively help other people. :|

ako ba yun? am i like that? i like helping people.,i like stress <?> somehow. i love drama. i'm efficient and i dont ask questions. i dont say no for an answer--- to authorities of course.

 

alam ko. this is not a good attitude. you can blame my parents for that. i grew up. not to ask questions. just do what you're told. RESPECT in the highest meaning of the word. i didnt mind getting hurt. getting insulted. getting expected of. crying without anyone knowing [i cry, because i did not want to feel the destructive emotion of anger. but i guess my brother knew. but he never bothered to help me. i never bothered to help him. our parents controlled what needed be.]

 

i'm feeling little droplets of liquid in my eyes right now. [thanks louise :) ] i feel abused somehow. and "something" isnt right. i'm feeling deterioration. dont take it seriously, that's what you said, but i dont know. I CANT NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. para kong tanga to ponder about this. and somehow maybe i'll laugh about this in the future. but this is present pain. this is happening now. this is what i want to forget. this is why i write.

 

hindi lang tong incident na to ang dahilan. marami pa. i guess yun lang ang sindi ng dynamite ng lahat.[9:30pm]

[9:53pm]oh di ba. busy ako. :)) ayun. medyo okay na. [thanks louise ulit and paula D] somehow alam niya kung papano ako dapat i-handle. SIGH.

nawala na ang momentum ng galit at emosyon ko.

 

NAALALA KO BIGLA.

 

the thing that keeps me going.

 

[after being hurt by the people i love the most.]

 

is.... are..

 

MY FRIENDS. :]

 

 

[tears ulit--- 9:56pm]

[10pm] these people make everything feel better. :) [tumawag pa si rona] :D

 

siguro. i may be passive most of the time. busy. doesnt give a damn about anyone or anything as long as i finish what i'm working on. minsan nalilimutan kong mangamusta. or bumati ng birthday. or busy ako.

pero. i can tell you here. that when the time comes that you need me. and tell me what you need. i will be there for you. i know it's hard.that i should be the one approached. i'm selfish. i'm busy. i dont have time for you.

 

but the real friends i have. know that i'm just a girl. waiting to be bailed out of a well i fell in.

 

i treasure them the  most :) if you dont feel the same way. i dont care. masaya ako kapag kasama ko kayo. if you leave me, fine. i can live with the fact that you people were the reason that i kept going on. but can you? 

 

i love you guys. :) thanks so much. nasira ang essence ng angry blog. naging emo. :)) at nostalgic.  

The Golden Ticket. [A Dream]

Okay. i had the best dream ever.

i was with friends in my dream. the only person i remember that was part of the group was John Ray. Anyway, we like won this thing-urhm-ticket to see Panic At The Disco because they were in the Philippines.

We, the friends i was with, entered the room where the band members were. it seemed all sooo vivid. Velvet red curtains, rugs and even the door! :D  The band members were sitting there looking bored (one was sleeping i think :)) ). Brendon Urie was the first person i saw. He was sitting down on a couch near the door. He stared at me with wide eyes.

In my dream, we were like: OMG! PANIC! I LOVE YOU GUYS! ROCK ON! [in total awe of the coolness of our luck] but they seemed indifferent about it.

 

SUDDENLY THE ATMOSPHERE CHANGED.

 

The white light from the flourescent lightings became red <i have no idea how and why>. And all i could see was Brendon. I did not notice JR and the others; not that they left or anything, i just couldn't notice 'cause i was so taken by Brendon. He stood up from the couch, i was in front of him. I tripped, i held on to his shirt and we fell on the velvet rugged floor. He fell on top of me [ not a very decent scene to be in! >.< ] I could feel his warmth, his breaths. He looked at me with his eyes that told me he liked me. He smiled. He got up and helped me get up too. The light was red; i could feel the intensity of the moment. I could feel his warm touch as he suddenly hugged me. He stared at me with those fiery eyes. We were inches apart.

I blurted out: "Are you trying to copy the thing in Get Smart?" <the flirting thing>

He didn't take his eyes off me. He smiled once more. I sorta melted and he drew closer. I believe he was about to kiss me, and i was about to give in! It was like a driving force to get nearer to this person. Fortunately, i got back into my senses and instead, placed my head on his left shoulder. [i cant believe i almost kissed this guy! i thought.] I expected utter defeat in his actions since i hesitated [it was like total KJ moment :)) ]. But you know what? He hugged me tighter; his hands now at the back of my head. He closed his eyes and kissed me on my forehead [like a dad would do].

THOUGH SAYING: You did the right thing by not kissing me.

i totally melted. it felt really good. it was not lust but father-like love. I felt so loved at that moment. So understood, so accepted. We broke off the hug.

Music suddenly played. He told me we should dance before i left. I placed my hands on his hips [no fat at all!] and i told him to put his hands on my shoulders [i think it's the other way around :)) ] He smiled at me again. We swayed to the music, it wasnt really dancing. He smiled, and asked my if this was really dancing. I told him, it doesnt matter :)) so we "danced" the night away. :D

The following day i went back to the place to say goodbye to him [i reckon they were leaving]. I couldnt reach him. He was on top of the building. There was a large crowd on the street; but all i could hear was his voice. He yelled [these are not the exact words but that's the thought]: We cant be together! You were great/spectacular. But here, i wrote a song for you.

the crowd was noisy but again, i only hear his voice.

he sang: "She was < a word synonymous to great or magnificent >..." his voice was so heavenly. :)

================================================================

 

I WOKE UP. It was a totally awesome dream. mixed emotion about stuff. (please dont think i made this up, i really dreamt it.) the first thought that occurred to me was:

they say dreams are messages from God. Is Brendon here, a symbol for a guy i'll meet or have met? IS MY PRINCE CHARMING COMING TO GET ME?

i wrote about it because i did not want to forget this dream. it was truly wonderful; and it seemed so real (though impossible), i really felt i was there. I couldnt describe it like this if i didnt, can i? :)) anyway, hoped you enjoyed it. :D