The Trouble with Realism

Hay. Siyempre, magbblog ulit ako. Too many thoughts, Need to get them out. I just want to write.

Tama nga. I think some Romantic side of me sort of died and was replaced by a healthy helping of hurtful Realism. You know, i feel sort of dead in a way. It's just not because of one incident, it's sort of that and some following incidents have completely changed me. So many negative thoughts are coming to mind. Don't worry though, I know they're not healthy thoughts, I won't feed on these. These are what come to mind:

1. There are people who I absolutely despise and no matter how much I despise them, they're still gonna be their despicable selves. I despise them even though we're bound by blood.
--Hay. Nakakainis. Yun lang, nakakainis. May mga type talaga ng tao na walang sense of direction. Yung walang magawa sa sarili nila at walang magawa kung hinid umasa sa mga taong obligadong mahalin sila. Naiiinis ako at naaawa. Hindi ba nila nakikitang kinamumuhian na sila? Hindi ba nila nakikitang nakakaawa na sila? WTF. Nasaan ba ang priorities niyo? Ang honor? Ang pride. Nag-iinit ang dugo ko. I can't believe I'm related to them. I've been struggling with this for a long time. I guess it's just now that I wrote about it. You might think, baka plastic ako--hindi ah, i outwardly show that i have no interest in what they're saying, I even step out of the room. I just don't see why they can't fix themselves up, we're family, we're here for them. But all they're trying to do is think that they're alone and thus, they become more of what they think they are.

2. The people I care about will hurt me the most.
--Well, sinabi ko na ito sa last blog. Paulit-ulit ko kasing naiisip eh. Mapa-pamilya o mapa-kaibigan. Concern and love for people is directly proportional to the hurt that you can feel because of them. Humans have always been expecting beings. Gotta agree, there is never true unconditional love in humans. Ah basta, you get it. As of now, ayokong magtrust ng tao. Ayoko na talaga. Kung puwede nga lang, pupunta na lang ako sa isang bundok, maninirahan doon, mag-aalaga ng mga hayop at halaman at mamatay mag-isa. Seryoso ako. =)) It's a very cowardly thought though--to exclude one's self from the world because of the fear of pain. Hmm. I should reevaluate things.

3. There's more to life than living and hating it.
--I know, i know. I've been hating it and shit. I'm really aggressive lately and I can easily get pissed nowadays. And a big chunk of romanticism in me died but i know there is some left. And I know in my heart that there is more to life than this. There is more to life than hatred, than wanting to be alone, than wanting not to get hurt. I think I know the answer/s. I'll remember it in time.


The Trouble with Realism
What is the trouble with Realism for me? (This is not the trouble of Realism in general, this is my personal opinion, why I cannot be a realist.)

The trouble with realism, to me, is that it does not leave room for imagination. It does not leave room for spirit. It does not have room for the big heart I already have.

Realists would call me weak right now and that emotion would only hurt me. I'm a romanticist at heart. I have a free spirit and I have a big heart. And that is real. So fuck off =)))

I guess what I'm saying is that I can't be a realist. No matter how much the world slaps me and bites me back, I will always know that the world is good, that there is hope for the good, no matter how small the fraction it will be. I'm a romanticist, I can't help it.

Romanticism to Realism.

Sigh. Wala naman sigurong magbabasa nito. :)) Hmm. matagal-tagal na rin since nagblog ako out of pure emotion. (di ko nga nagawa freshman year blog thingy)

Amazing, how much I haven't changed yet I learn so much (I guess yung change). Siyempre, hanggang ngayon, problema pamily + lovelife. Hasn't really changed, i guess my fault. Di ako nagbabago eh. Pero in fairness ah, tintry ko naman magbago, ayaw lang talaga. Masakit. Oh well, that's life. :))

May mga bagay akong natutunan ngayon ngayon lang! (Mga bagay na hindi ko talaga naisip dati at naisip ko pero di ko inakalang totoo).

1. Numero uno: There will be people out to test your patience and even if they go too far, you just have to extend your patience.  

-Hmm. Siyempre matagal ko nang alam na may mga taong nabuhay para mang-irita (lolOA =)) ) Mahaba rin ang pasensya ko at bihira akong mapuno. Kaya kapag napupuno ako, go lang. i'll be frank and address the issue. Ngayon ko lang naexperience na ganito, na magtimpi, kahit lagpas-lagpas na. May mga taong hindi kayang ma-take ang sasabihin ko sa kanila (matagal ko nang alam yan) pero this time, i actually care about their feelings. Siguro ang consequence ng first realization is that: inevitably, people you care about will hurt you at times, but you should remember to check their intentions (if you know they care and it was unintentional, you know what to do).

2. You can't expect people to act the way you want them to. (small scale actions)

--So far naman kasi, I get what I want. When i want people to apologize, they do. If i want to piss them off, i piss them off. Idk, manipulative person nga pala ako. Hahha. Ngayon kaya? Err ewan, basta itong no. 2. dapat mas specific, dapat ito ata: You can't expect the people you care about to act the way you want them to. Kahit may pakialam ka sa kanila, di ka pa rin sila. Disappointing, siyempre, lalo na sa akin, matagal-tagal bago ako magtrust ng tao. Bago ako magcare nang bongga sa kanila. Siyempre, marami akong drama sa mundo (sa bahay, sa lahat), masakit talaga sa akin. Matagal ko nang iniisip na magpaka-antisocial. Okay, joke lang, hindi naman. =)) Matagal ko nang naiisip na ayoko nang magtrust ng tao, pero hindi anti-social ah. I open up my heart to a few. It's just a bit disappointing that those I don't open up my heart to are the ones who care more (or care effectively). Sigh. Naguiguilty lang ako, andaming nagccare sa akin but I remain closed to them. :/ Idk, they don't know me that much but they care, is this a sign of genuine concern or is it naive concern? 

3. Ang galing ni Jason Mraz. (siyempre matagal ko nang alam yan, gusto ko lang sabihin ulit.)

--Astig pare. He snapped me out of all the drama. Shet. From HS to college, ikaw pa rin. <:

4. It will get harder and harder for you to trust. 

--Naisip ko na ba to dati? Hindi ata eh. Naisip ko lang dati: It's hard for me to trust. Akala ko stagnant lang yun. Mag-iincrease pala ang intensity. Sorry na, ngayon ko lang naisip eh. I will get hurt, no matter what. Kahit gaanong pagprevent ang gawin ko. Mangyayari yun. Bv lang kasi ayokong nasasaktan. Masyado na akong maraming self-inflicted emotional damage at past drama, ayoko na may mga dumagdag. Ang defense mechanism ko siguro ay yung hindi pagtrust sa more people. I have a selected few right now. But then who's to say they won't hurt me either? Hmm. I wouldn't know. Pero kahit papaano, masarap mag-open up. Masarap magkuwento. Masarap ng nasshare ang happiness at may nakikihati sa pain. Which one should I go for? 

5. No matter how good you think you are or you can be the world isn't interested in you.

--honestly, di ko naisip na masisikmura ko na to. Akala ko if you just believe and shit, things will come. Pero it doesn't look like it anymore. You have to keep up with the world if you want it to notice you. You have to change if you want to please. 

6. (siyempre dahil sa number five, naisip ko na...) Why should you care about the world? 

--if the change is drastic and is for the worse, it's not worth it. If it causes you pain, it's not worth it. And well, the world is temporary. What's important is what's on the other side. I just have to bank on that. I guess this means that i'm gonna cut down on the things i care about here. Hahahaha. Too bad.

Romanticism < Realism

The world is fucked up. It's fucking you and screwing with your head. 

^Okay, masyado namang bitter to for me. =)) Well, it's partly true. Siguro dahil mainit lang ang dugo ko kaya nasasabi ko yan. I still have that bad temper. I hate getting angry. Wag kasing ubusin ang pasensya ko eh. Although yeah, feeling ngayon ko lang natitikman ang realism. I was always a romantic, you see. Ganito pala. Nakakainis. Nakakabv. Andami kong depressions before, yes. Pero, ako naman ang may problema nun eh, ayoko rin sa kanila at OA ako, dito, hindi ako OA, i actually think na matinu-tino ang kinikilos ko sa mga taong ito at binigay ko lahat ng kaya ko. ganito pala. 

Although, may mga tao pa rin naman na napagkakatiwalaan ko. mga taong nakakakilala sa akin, lalo na ang lahat ng masama sa akin na hindi nakikita ng lahat. Tanggap nila na iyakin ako. Tanggap nila na masama ako magalit. Tanggap nila na iniisip ko (dati?) na kaya kong pabagsakin ang sinumang humarang sa akin. Tanggap nilang kailangan ko sila para baguhin ako. The realist world is testing me to untrust these people. The romantic world is testing me to keep on trusting them and look forward to new ones who are willing. 

Saan ba ako masaya? 

Sino ba ang mga taong nagpapasaya sa akin? 

Napapasaya ko ba sila?

Bakit nila ako sinasaktan?
Bakit ko sila sinasaktan?
Bakit ganito ang mga iniisip ko? 

I am an intellectual, I refuse to succumb to my emotions (regardless of how much power they have on me). Everything will be better in the morning. Mag-isa man or may kasama, i'll be fine. I know God is with me. Perhaps nagsusulat lang ako ng ganito para mawala na to. Log din. :)) Things happen for a reason. 

whether or not i'm a romantic or a realist now. The hell with that. =)) 

Kung may nagtiyaga mang magbasa nito. Thanks. It means a lot to me. Kahit papano nashare mo tong emosyon ko. :)) Kahit di ko alam kung sino ka. Sana hindi masyadong mabigat. Sana natuto ka. Alam ko natuto ako. 

(Modified) Villanelle by Abba Marie Moreno

(Modified) Villanelle

by Abba Marie Moreno

Fly, Love, and be what you (Always,) dream to be,

Your tomorrow's bright, and so is mine,

'Tis a shame, you could've flown with me.

A raging passion is what (I see(,

(that) Rapturous audacity is thine,

Fly, Love, and be what you dream to be.

You're a bit vexatious and weighty,

You've got some flaws (we all do) but, to me, you're fine,

'Tis a shame, you could've flown with me.

(Love)

Could have been a true lover of thee,

But I've given up, this is your sign (to),

Fly, Love, and be what you dream to be.

I hurt. You hurt me unknowingly,

This is, perhaps, how fates underline (much),

'Tis a shame, you could've flown with me.

For these reasons, I must set you free,

So now, I bid you well; go on shine,

Fly, Love, and be what you dream to be,

'Tis a shame, we could've flown as we.

(expectation.)